I just want to preface this by saying I am confident im non monogamous, and that I have not acted on my feelings further than receiving flirtatious attention from close and safe friends whom ive known for YEARS that are like minded. I was having sex completely platonically before I started dating my partner, and I am able to still. I have been following monogamy culture in romantic relationships and now that I've been in one for a while, I'm getting restless.

I do not want to leave my current long term partner because outside of being spooked by societal rules, he is VERY VERY good to me and i know this because im bedridden in illness sometimes for days or weeks and he has taken care of me every-time.

I am an autistic cis (21) woman. My boyfriend of 4 (known him for 7) years at this point doesn't know about these desires since the last time he THOUGHT i had these desires before i actually did, he freaked out (in his own, very quiet and very calm way, i can just see it in his face) and got sad.

The amount of hate i see non-monogamy culture receive is legitimately frightening. When newer people in my life bring about their feelings as I'm now actually socializing after being not being terribly ill, im completely frozen in fear of what to do or say, as i do want to reciprocate their advances, however i don't know how they'd react to the truth since i've just met them.

They know im taken since i tell them, but i've had situations where they didn't care about my partner being in the picture until i told them the situation i'm in, then they'll start getting verbally or physically violent. (I live in Texas so do the math :/) So im forced to leave them in limbo until i have the courage to speak to them about it in person/private. I dont want to lose my new friends, but i also cant hide what i am or how i feel forever. Its so scary to me.

How do you guys navigate the stigma? What do I even do? This is really hard for me to admit since i've always been so confident and comfortable in life, but now im scared and sacrificing my desires for my monogamous partner. Im not willing to go behind his back to fufill those desired because he's everything i could ever want in a long term romantic partner. (I dont think cheating is very wrong but I am not able to actually go through with cheating) Im sorry if this is word vomit but i needed to get this out RIGHT NOW as a relief