My nesting partner (32m) of 10 years and I (30f) decided in the beginning of this year to open our relationship. After nearly a year he has finally been able to connect with someone and went on a first date. Things were great and I didn’t feel weird. But yesterday, out of the blue, this new connection had reached last minute to ask him if he’d like to go to a local holiday event with him. I had not even got out of bed yet and he came in and said this. He did explain she had a friend who was supposed to go with her but they bailed and she didn’t want to miss out. But the part about him just suddenly having plans with her later being the first thing I heard very abruptly and without a gentler lead-in to it, I was suddenly hit with an intense feeling of being left out, as this would have been something I would rather go to with him had I known it was going on. I didn’t want to just invite myself, but I told him exactly what I was feeling and that I was struggling with this, even though it was really just going to be an impromptu hangout. They have only been on one date so far after all. My partner then relayed my feelings to the other person, who then extended the invitation to me, which made me feel a bit better, but I was still having some conflicting feelings about meeting her at all, especially so soon. I am not yet sure whether I want to know his potential partners and how much I want to know them. I think I would be far more comfortable keeping as great a distance as possible, to keep our outside relations more separate, but since I am unsure about where I really stand with this, I decided to take a shot and go out with them to feel it out and decide how I felt after the fact. She was a lovely person, but I definitely felt a little awkward the whole time. And I told him as much, and that I don’t think I want to spend any considerable amount of time with his potential partners (playmates?) moving forward. If I change my mind down the line about that I’ll let him know.

After we got home, we were initially thinking of going back out just the two of us, but I had a headache coming on and preferred instead to stay in and watch a show together for the rest of the night. This is another instance where I was suddenly hit with bad feelings when I noticed while we were spending this time together, she was also messaging him and he was responding. My partner is an anxious person who always responds to texts very promptly, and I’m sure it was completely innocuous, friendly conversation (again, they have only had one date and are still just making friendly chat to get to know each other). Before overreacting or saying anything I was just doing my best to manage my own feelings and be cool. But with every time his phone pinged every few minutes my chest felt tighter all over again (this was also at a point where were cuddling more so than just sitting next to each other). I was doing my best to mind my business so didn’t actively read anything but it still bothered me to see her name. After only about an hour and a half I told him I had to be honest, now unable to hold back my tears, I wanted this time to be for just us after I’ve had such a difficult day already, and yet he’s picking up his phone to reply to her right in front of me and I can see it and that made it feel like she was intruding on OUR time together. The only thing he could say back was that I know how he is with his phone, that if it were any of his friends he would do the same and respond to them. I didn’t continue speaking I just clung to him and cried (I have hard time sometimes continuing to converse when distressed, and also doubt myself when I start feeling like I’m asking too much), but this clearly feels different considering the dynamic of the potential trajectory of their relationship would be entirely different. And for what it’s worth, I would still have an issue (although lesser) with it being any of his friends too, but they don’t text him with the same frequency either, so with his friends it’s never been an issue outside of a random single text or two on occasion.

I went to bed crying. I want this to work. I’m happy he’s finally made another connection. I know that the beginning will be rough even if we think we can handle it. All that is to say, I’m looking for some outside perspective so I know where I’m being reasonable or not. Which feelings are my responsibility and what to let my partner know or how to say it better. What could I have done better? Should I have spoken up sooner when the messaging started? I think I want to set a boundary about communications when we are spending time with each other. Would that be reasonable to ask?