^{Hi all.. I tried posting this on a throw away but I think it got deleted... So here it goes}

^{I really fucked up and I really hurt my partner, and honestly myself. Please, if you can read my wall of text and offer any guidance on how to recover..}

^{First a bit about us; Me (31 MtF (Homo-flexible/into femininity}, Her 28CisF (Bi)).)

^{I'm a very relationship- and sexually- inexperienced person, I stayed in an initially ok, but mostly unhappy, relationship from I was 18 to I was 28.}

^{After that relationship was over, I wanted to learn and have a "slut phase" and I started dating around and both of the only people I vibed with and met, were non-mono/poly. Naturally I had to get adjusted to the idea and I did a lot of reading up. And I then realized that this was not a requirement, but also not a dealbreaker for me, and the term "Ambiamorous" fit me... Another thing I realized was that I most likely are in the Demi-sexual area (Need to know someone before I'm sexually interested})

^{I got a job across the country and had to leave it all behind. Both people had only had 2-3 dates so it wasn't deep yet.}

^{Once I had finished the move and started up trying to date again, the 1st person I vibed with is the person I'm now married with (whooops} . We dated for 2 years before marriage, and we're soon entering our 2nd year as a married couple, so we've been together a total of 4 years.)

^{Initially when I met with them, I deducted that they were doing some online stuff. They had the cam equipment, but no computer so yea. This was during the heigth of the pandemic, and OF was very popular, but for interactions and because a lot of people had to use it to get by. I didn't mind the idea at all, and we quickly ended up having almost daily dates/nights over with each other. One thing I pointed out initially was that I was okay with her gig, and if she had to meet other people for it. This never materialized and it was very important for her to be mono as this is the first ever relationship she felt secure in, and I never had any need to meet other people so that's what we did.}

^{Earlier this year, in late sept/early oct she brought up the idea of being non-mono again, and we started exploring the idea together again. We both agreed that we're each others number 1, and that neither of us really needed another person, and that it was mostly just to have fun and explore kinks together. We set some ground rules; Home at night, tell me before anything happens, check for STD. Normal stuff, and joined some kink communities. She being the hot and social person she is quickly got a lot of attention, and had a lot of people messaging her. One of the people messaging her was a experienced Rigger (ropes}, I too love being a rigger but Im very new so naturally a more experienced person is more fun. She was extremely hesitant and afraid to meet him alone so we both agreed, and made a deal with them, that we both meet them the first time. We both got tied up and some play was done and it was a really fun experience I'm extremely happy we got to have together, she seemed to be on cloud9. Since then she have met with him I believe 3 times alone. She has also met with another Rigger for a fully-body suspension which she also loved.)

^{I've not had as much luck. Not many people talk with me and even less have shown interest in doing anything with me. I became extremely insecure, felt undesired. I realized that if I want to get to know people I have to do more effort so I signed up as volunteer at a local kink club. During a Halloween event at the kink club we went to, I ended up talking with a person a couple of hours (23 Nb}. The volume was loud, the bar was crowded but I enjoyed talking with them.)

^{After the bad I sent them an message basically saying that, and that Id love to talk with them again in a more quiet environment. My partner was a bit hesitant, and signaled that she didn't like the idea of me meeting them. I mistook that signal and limit as a "This is new for me, I'm scared to loose you" instead of the "I veto them" she really meant... This is relevant later.}

^{A few weeks later we made a plan to meet at a week day event at the kink club and talk and do a vibe check in more quite environment, but the first time I had to cancel as I was exhausted from being at a training event for the very same kink club the day before and not being home before 11PM, and then waking up at 5AM the next day for work.}

^{The 2nd time we actually met up. I told my partner what I was doing (Talking and vibe checking}, who I was meeting and that it might etc and they okay'd it thinking it was just talking and meeting. When I met up I was early, there were not a lot of people I sat next to a random person who were there. I spoke with them for an hour or so, as more and more people entered the pub before the person I was meeting came. We sat down to talk but there were a lot of people there, several whom they knew which kept interrupting our talk so we moved to the "Recovery" sofa in the quiet part of the club. We sat there talking for an hour or two and honestly my heart was racing, I was sweating and I was so nervous, It was hard to focus but also at the same time I was hyper focused on what they said. There were a lot of quiet moment as we both were quite shitty at being social, but I really enjoyed talking with them. I learned a lot about them, like them being poly etc. Eventually we got the the point, and started talking about kinks and what we were into and stuff. I told my stuff and then with a little less than an hour before closing they asked if I wanted to go to the rigging room and try some stuff.)

^{In aftertime this is where it went wrong, where goes the line between hanging out, to playing? When should I have told my partner, asked for approval idk... So we went ahead and I tied them up, a few different types and position (all with clothes on} and they wanted to try a bit more, one of their kinks, sensual play, so we went ahead. I tied their hands behind their back and yeah I think this is were it got very cloudy for me. There were so much adrenaline, and feeling and it felt so exhilarating and wrong in a "omg I'm doing something else with another person that not my wife, normies would loose their mind" kind of way and it was powerful. I have moments I remember, which include breath play (5 finger necklace), biting, holding their jaw and kissing and generally just feeling their body. They kept their clothes on, and it was almost exclusively their upper body I felt, except a quick slide along their pant edge. Eventually the closing time for the club came, and we wrapped up and put all the ropes back etc. I decided I wanted to learn the closing routine and helped clean up the club, while they went to change.)

^{When we were done cleaning up the club my train had left and I had an hour until next one, and they apparently were not horrified after the play so they decided to keep me company while waiting for the train. On the way out of the club I sent a voice note to my partner. I don't remember what I said, I believe I said that we played a bit together, I had to wait and hour on the train, and that I loved them. We went to a bar and had a drink while talking some more. I learned a lot about them and I really enjoyed spending time with them. They went on their train, and I called my partner. I don't remember what we talked about, I was exhausted after being up for over 17hrs, having an intense evening and just looking forward to getting home. I felt so proud of myself, I actually spoke with another person about kink and yeah, but I also felt horrible, yknow in mono logic I cheated, and knew that we had to talk about it.}

^{When we got home at 1AM, I slept until 7AM where I had to get to work. I always wake my partner up by making them coffee and gently waking them up, and this day was no different. She had a friend coming over and stay the night later, and I had only about an hour before work so not much time to get ready. We both love each other and suddenly we ended up doing the deed before I quickly left for work. I helped pick their friend up and the train station in the lunch before going back to work. I stayed 3 hours overtime at work so she could have the apartment alone with her friend, and when I got home they moved the part into the bedroom while I stayed in the office/living room on the computer. They stayed up until approx 4AM drinking and I went to bed at 11pm (we switched place} so when I woke up I got ready to go to work without doing the morning routine of coffee. Later that day I drove her to the train station, before we finally were alone.)

^{I then asked if she were ready to hear about my day at the club. This is when things went downhill fast. She hadn't realized we had played, or I didn't say. I/we don't know which. And she felt violated that we had sex the day after, without knowing that I did something with them. I tried to tell them the details I remembered and I could tell they got heartbroken. I felt empty, I kept blanking out, and I felt angry, I didn't attack them like this the first time they did anything alone why are they so angry at me I need reassurance that its okay, I did that when they got home from the 4 times they've met someone... and I felt shocked and felt so absolutely horrified. It has been horrible since. The meetup was on Tuesday, we finally talked about it on Thursday evening.}

^{I don't know how to deal with this, she feels like I cheated and lied to them and that I... raped them and I don't know how to fix this, forgive myself, move forward... I broke the rules, I didt tell them before play, I didnt ask them for STD panel and I really really messed up. I apologize for messiness, its very intense and its hard to write or focus...}

^{Please, any advice? How on earth did I end up here.. I just want to go back in time and undo everything..}