I’ve been going to therapy and working on the source/cause of my anxiety when my wife is out (particularly with another man/couple).

Long story short, in multiple of my past relationships, my girlfriend at the time had cheated on me, and I never really dealt with how those relationships ended and it’s causing anxiety/fear of abandonment/being replaced when she’s with other men.

We have been in a same room full swap before and it didn’t bother me at all, so I thought I was in the clear. Then I got blindsided by a huge amount of anxiety when she went on a date with a couple by herself (I was alone at home at night, just waiting for her to come back). Then she had another date/hook up on short notice during the day while I was at work (I was aware of it, busy and distracted with work) and I didn’t have that same reaction.

The advice or maybe experience I’m looking for is something specific that my therapist asked me and I don’t know the answer to, yet.

“What is it that makes you feel secure in your relationship and what do you need while she’s out?”

My answer to the relationship part is open and full transparent communication (which we have), and I need to feel wanted/needed/useful. I do most of the chores, housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry, kid care stuff, etc. Along with trying to make her feel spoiled by doing a lot of little small things that feel good. And i genuinely enjoy it because I know she appreciates and enjoys all of it.

I think the part that’s hard for me while she’s out, none of those things apply, and quite the opposite. I feel like I could be replaced cause it feels like I literally am being replaced, even though I KNOW in my head that I’m not.

Hoping someone has had a similar experience and found ways to feel comfortable and secure, matching what is known in their mind.