Been solo ENM for a few years and dated many coupled folks. Met someone whose profile said he was in an open marriage. Went on a few dates and had good chemistry and fun together.

I asked him a bit more about his relationship with nonmonogomy and his journey exploring it. He said he had a partner as well as his wife. So since I wanted to know what his relationship capacity was and his intentions were I asked if he was poly and how he manages that. He said yes but didn't really elaborate or really say why his profile said just "open" but in that moment he identified as poly.

I prefer connection when I'm dating someone as opposed to explicitly casual--and even then I prefer disclosure. And so I asked what he's looking for and if it is longer term connection then if he's able to give that kind of attention while having a primary. He said he's in therapy so that's all he can really tell me to assure me.

I also asked what his history is ENM was and he said his wife said that he was the longest relationship she had where she didn't cheat but that they should open things up but that conversation only came about after she tried to make it with a girl at a wedding.

He also talked about her every single time we hung out. And in text in between. Not in reference to logistics. Not for scheduling purposes. And of course for some people hearing about their partner's partners is hot and integral to their sexuality and romantic lives. But I don't particularly identify that way and he didn't ask if I did.

The worst was when we were talking about sex and he said "oh ______ is the same way". And then he said "if comparing or talking about ______ too much bothers you just tell me".

All of this had my spidey senses tingling and telling me that this is a messy situation or haphazard inexperienced one and that I want none of it. So I took a few weeks off to think.

But the sex was decent so when he reached out I answered and we texted a bit and AGAIN he mentioned how he was "sleepy because I always get sleepy when _______ is out on a date".

So I told him really straightforwardly that "I don't want to hear about your wife when you're talking to me". Which, yes blunt. I know. But I wanted to leave emotion out because just stating my needs seemed like a good start.

He said he basically had to talk about her and that's part of dating him. OK fine I'm out. Bad fit.

But he somehow made ME feel like I was doing ENM wrong by needing that.

I want other people to have healthy, loving, sexy, wonderful, hot, fun, supportive relationships when I'm dating them. But I'm not kitchen table poly and that's not what I signed on for. Plus, in the first THREE DATES I expect someone to be excited to get to know me outside of the context of their primary.

But the problem with saying this to someone who is this kind of newly ENM is that now he's just writing me off as jealous or something which isn't the case. As I have said I have dated plenty of folks and met their partners and hung out etc.

This does not feel like other open things I've been involved in. It feels like a married couple who want to have fun but not be honest about it. It's hard not to feel like they're leveraging the mainstreamification of ENM to have fun and not worry much about consequences.

Anyway just wanted to rant a bit. Thank and you and goodnight.