Hi all, this sub can sometimes feel a bit negative, so I wanted to share a positive development in my partner's relationship. Go to TL;DR if you want to skip the background.

Background

To give some background, my partner and I have been together for 6 years and married either 4.5 or 1.5, depending on how you count. We met in California and are both pretty open minded. At first it didn't make sense to be dating since she's from another country and would have to leave soon, but we felt drawn to each other and built a really deep connection really quickly. We actually tried having an open relationship at the very beginning, but found it emotionally exhausting. We spent so much time checking in and working through feelings that we felt like we weren't able to just enjoy each other. So we closed it in 2019.

Then we decided to make some big moves - I would join her in moving to Germany. This is why we have two marriage dates, once on paper to make immigration easier, and once "for real" with a ceremony last year.

Our relationship thus far has been overwhelmingly positive - we both can't believe how much we love the other person, and that deep connection has only grown. We both share common values and goals, and while she's slightly more adventurous than I am (e.g. how about we quit our jobs and travel southern Africa for 4 months?) , I usually get on board and am happy to join her.

One thing that has waned though is the sexual spark. While we do have fun, satisfying sex, it is much fewer and farther between than it used to be. We recognize that we're starting to feel something a lot of long term couples do - the monotony of a long term partner, where you know everything about someone, both good and bad. It's sometimes hard to feel sultry between dinner and dishes. We've also had to work through emergent issues like HL/LL interconnected with spontaneous and responsive desire.

Conversation about opening up

Throughout this past year we've had many conversations trying to pinpoint why some of the excitement has faded, and what we might try to reignite the erotic energy in our relationship. One thing that we identified early is that my partner sort of lost touch with a part of herself that feels sensual, sexy, and erotic - an object of desire but also an empowered woman. On my part, I'd sort of lost my mojo - I had to adjusted to our mismatch in desire by pulling way back on initiating. I also think I started to get put in a "domestic" box, where I wasn't able to embrace a confident, masculine side of myself.

When trying to learn more about this scenario, the writings and lessons of Esther Perel really resonated with me and our situation. We had become familiar and weren't leaving space for the mystery. We had collapsed our zones of erotic autonomy. The best summary of this stuff is in episode 285 of Lewis Howes' podcast.

One last piece of background - we were both pretty slutty in the days before getting together. I had slept with 40ish people, and she mid 50s. We both have an appreciation of feeling a connection with someone and the thrill of being able to explore it physically. We're also able to (and content with) having a fun encounter with someone and leaving it at that.

I came to the realization that I view my wife as a life partner, and that if we make it all the way, we have several more decades of erotic adventures ahead of us. With this perspective, I want us to try things, experiment, explore - figure out what we need for a rich and fulfilling life. Just because we've experienced sex, sensuality, and eroticism a certain way in our relationship over the last 6 years, doesn't mean we're stuck with that playbook for the next 30.

With this in mind, I was talking with my partner about our past sexual exploits, and we were reminiscing about the naughty things we got up to. She then sighed and said, "It's sad to think that those kinds of experiences are over." I responded with, "hun, I mean this in the best way possible: I am not the last man you"ll have sex with. And no, I'm not saying you'll have to leave me to do it." Her face lit up. She was thrilled at the prospect of being able to build a life with me, but also occasionally having the freedom to explore a spark if one finds her. She said it felt like a cheat code being unlocked.

Seeing it as a set of experiments

My partner and I have now reached the consensus that we feel really strong in our relationship, and that there isn't anything that we could try that would jeopardize it, as long as we're being honest and up front with each other. We don't have a set of rules yet. Rather, we will try one-off experiments, see how it feels, and go from there.

TL:DR

The first experiment

I expressed to my partner that I have always been interested in going to a sex club or sex positive event. We talked about going in the early days of dating, but never made it happen. She decided that while she's excited about exploring our new openness, she wasn't drawn to that kind of experience. So she gave me the blessing to go on my own and report back how it was. She didn't really put any limits on me, except to be safe and to keep the experience in the club (e.g. she'd prefer I not go home with someone).

I was going to be visiting Berlin for a Friday night concert, and I decided that I would go to KitKat club on Saturday. I had been curious about the scene for years, and I really wanted to see what it was like. I went in with no expectations, just to enjoy the energy and see where the night took me. It turned out to be an amazing experience. I went with an old neighbor, and we ended up having a foursome with another couple. They were the absolute perfect pair to have that kind of "first" experience with.

This post has gotten long, so I will end it here. Sorry for the cliffhanger.

In my next post, I will detail my time at KitKat, handling the aftermath with my partner the following day, and our next experiment where she gets the freedom to explore.