Hi everyone! I am here asking for a bit of relationship and life advice on whether to continue a loving relationship.

Here is our story. She (31F) and I (27M) met two years ago and have been together since. We have grown very much in love with each other and I can confidently say I have never felt so connected to a person and it is hard to imagine my life without her. At the third date, we talked about non-monogamy and agreed (at that point) that it is a relationship style we would like to try. It worked well for a little while. We talked openly about any encounters until about 5 months into the relationship.

Then, she felt too insecure with the relationship style (due to issues from her past and to the amount of partners I had been with since I met her) and she decided the only way to keep the relationship would be to close it off. I was already in love with her so I agreed to it. Things kept going and love kept growing, this time along with some frustration from my side due to me trying to suppress this feeling of wanting to connect both emotionally and physically with other people. A couple of months after that talk, she decided she would be fine with us seeing people individually outside our city aka on separate vacations (understandable as this is less of an insecurity for her). So this was and is our current agreement.

This change did not do a lot to counteract my frustration since I am not one to go on vacation alone much. Unless it is for work (and these have been the only times I briefly met other people), I either go with her, or go alone to my home country, where I really want to spend time with the friends I terribly miss since I emigrated, rather than meeting new people.

After this point, I did not do the best job communicating this ongoing frustration to her. It usually came out every couple of months in the form of a long talk (because I know this is something that hurt her and increased her self-insecurity and I would rather have her happy and positive and battle the feelings myself - in hindsight, may not have been the best decision).

So, it has been more than a year in a mostly-monogamous relationship and I have started to feel more frustrated, the feelings have been harder to handle at times. Lately, we have been openly and healthily talking about this. It is clear that I need to make a decision now: do I stay with her and ignore these feelings or do I throw away the best relationship I have had to pursue this "need". When I am with her, I love our time together. However, by myself, the need/want to see other people keeps emerging. The current limbo situation brings a lot of suffering unto her, and is also taking its toll on me (although I am used to dealing with the feelings by now), so I want to make a decision soon. However, this feels like the ultimate dillema for me.

A bit more about myself: I have been in multiple ~2-year monogamous relationships until now, but only been in two very short ENM relationships with two other girls at the same time before. It lasted only about 3 months and they were not willing to get emotionally available so I do not have much experience when it comes to ENM. While it has always felt very natural to me since my teens and deep down I believe I would prefer this type of relationship, I do not even know which kind of ENM relationship I would prefer due to the lack of experience. I also have a lot of doubts about it but I am genuinely curious and very open. For instance, I need a fair amount of time for myself and am not amazing at time management. Is this even compatible with having more than one deep intimate relationship?

I have been trying to make a list of pros and cons in my head but it is not leading anywhere. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Looking forward to it!