Hello, I identify as a versatile gay male. I’ve been in my current relationship with my partner for 8 years, where I topped for majority (almost all) of our experiences. I tried to talk about it from different angles over the years to much failed frustration, and finally decided to pivot to asking if I can top at home but find another place to bottom. This lead way to other conversations, and we’ve been in a bit of a difficult place since. We’re navigating and i ultimately want to make sure we both land, but despite him acknowledging my need to bottom, this is obviously difficult to experience for himself.

To confirm, the intention was to focus on what had been precedent in sexual history (me as top and my partner as bottom) and I would pursue an external opportunity to bottom, ideally with a regular party for health and safety reasons

I ended up meeting a guy through Grindr and we hit it off unexpectedly and pretty quickly. In returning back to bottoming and being older and more confident in myself than my mid 20s, I found our connection to be natural, and we’ve hung out a good bit outside of hooking up too. I’ve remained transparent and intentional with both parties in how I communicate not wanting to seem like I am withholding detail or acting out of discretion.

Thanksgiving was hard especially when finding yourself thinking of the other person while away with your partner. I offered a conversation on exclusivity in advance as I wanted to communicate that I didn’t have interest in bottoming for another guy since meeting him, and we seemed to be on the same page. I travel near a gay beach and wanted to be clear that I would not be taking advantage of my newly opened situation to scout a different top as I was enjoying my time with him. Unfortunately, last week lined up poorly for this guy as he fell into an “out of sight, out of mind,” mentality and seemed to seek attention elsewhere in feeling down among a variety of personal reasons. I’m also empathetic of how difficult it must be to see a guy you’re experiencing an emerging relationship with go on vacation with their long term partner. Much of our evening time since getting back has now been spent getting back onto the same page between me and this guy, which is then also disgruntling to my partner both in terms of time or his fear I could be manipulated.

I started this conversation from a perspective of ethical non monogamy, but it seems like I’m also approaching polyamory with this guy.

I would appreciate and love any feedback or perspectives from people in similar situations, especially any where partners fill different roles or capacities. How do you navigate that nuance and complicated state?