My nesting partner of 5 years and I recently opened our relationship, and I am struggling sometimes, ok sometimes, and happy other times.

We've discussed it as a possibility for all 5 years, and I always knew it is what she desired. She enjoys when relationships naturally develop out of friendships, so I'd say about a year ago we had the "officially open for when something comes along" conversation. Something came along about two weeks ago after feelings were shared by a friend, and they slept over together while my partner was dogsitting three days ago.

For myself, I also want the ability to pursue relationships in my future, but my studies are busy right now and I have many fulfilling hobbies that I would like to explore. I have a crush that might be reciprocated in some way, but other than that, my close friendships and single partnership are meeting my needs.

I'm happy for my partner and seeing her find some validation from this relationship has already been rewarding! However, these last few days, I'd say I'm insecure or scared shitless 50 percent of the time, at peace or neutral 45 percent of the time, and 5 percent of the time I am very happy and excited for her. The times that I'm upset are pretty disheartening, though.

I'm wondering, is it ok to just not think about it if ruminating is triggering me? When I'm busy with my life, or even spending time with my partner as usual, I feel normal and content. However, I worry about all kinds of things, but mainly I am worried that another person in my partners or my life will fundamentally change the awesome relationship we have. Thinking about it mostly as "not my business" helps me, but I'm wondering if that is wrong. We typically share a lot, and I want to be open to sharing her happiness, but seeing her excited about someone else for the first time feels bittersweet.

I have read a lot on the subject and talked about it until my pants lit on fire, but nothing has prepared me for the unexpected feelings: good and bad. I'm hoping for kind words from some folks who might have experienced a lot of anxiety, especially the first week of opening up. *Polysecure is on its way to my doorstep!