Well hi there friends. New account on Reddit, mainly because I want to keep our situation a little more private (our closest friends know that it's an option, don't worry - we aren't walking through it alone).

I (39, AFAB-gender non conforming/demigirl) met my wife (39, ciswoman) in 2016 and early on, we had a "normal" amount of sex. Probably once a week or whatever. But, over time, I... had less interest in it. We went down to once a month... and now, once a year, maybe.

Some changes have happened over the past couple of years. I've dealt with chronic pain since I got Shingles in 2011, and it got worse during COVID lockdown and after. Nerve pain has made it harder to move and, honestly? My anxiety and ADHD have gotten much, much worse and anything that involves a mess just... feels like too much emotionally. I want touch and cuddles and affection, but sex is just too much for me at this point.

In 2021, I met my best friend online, and she and I are in a QPR (Queer Platonic Relationship - in short, think of the commitment and intimacy of a long term relationship minus the sexual aspect). My wife has been incredibly warm to this - she knows there is nothing sexual, she loves my best friend and her husband, and she said it's done wonders for my depression to share my big love with two people.

So I guess, in some ways, we're experiencing ENM but without the sex. But in the last year or so, she's Very Much struggled with my lack of sexual desire/libido. It's really the only thing we "fight" about (and it really wasn't fighting until the other day, when everything blew up because I'd wrongly looked at her texts and saw she was talking to her friends about how she felt regarding me not wanting sex.).

This blow up led to some good realizations and we have reconciled since and have started sorting out the big trust issues that were clearly there. Part of my realization is that I'm truly grey-ace. Basically, I dance the line between allo and ace, but I've definitely leaned much more into the ace end of it over the past few years. Second, my wife needs an outlet, and I told her that I feel comfortable considering ENM.

So, we've started research. She found a couple of articles online about grey-ace people who are married to allo people, and its given her insight on what I'm experiencing (I read it and it helped vice versa).

My best friend and her husband are in an ENM relationship, and she has given my wife some amazing insight about the whole thing. But, we know we want and need more. So, here are my questions.

1. Are there any grey-ace people here who have allo partners?
   
2. How have allo partners gone about finding others to have sex with? My wife has been looking at apps, but we're curious which are the best (the only reason I'm typing and not her is cause I'm a lot better at wording than she is, haha).
   
3. For my fellow physically affectionate but not sexually intimate grey-aces - how... how do you work through some of the worry? I feel like I'll be fine but there's that little bit of worry in the back of my head that I may struggle with it at first

Thank you for your help, y'all.