I've been with my partner for a few years now, our relationship was not linear. We've been living together for about 2 years, I think it's been longer than that actually but I'm just not sure. This is my first adult relationship and I'm learning a lot as I go.

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Last night was the first night that my partner has gone to someone else's house for a hookup, earlier this week or sometime last week this same person came over to our house and had sex with my partner, and I was totally cool with that. I really want to be supportive, we've had many talks about how we're both inherently polyamorous and they've been supportive about my other partners.

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It wasn't supposed to be an overnight but they both fell asleep and my partner left their phone here, I texted them last night after staying up for way later than I should've that I was going to go to bed and asked for a text letting me know when they were coming home. This morning I woke up alone with my partner's alarm going off in the living room, I started crying and shouting their name, frantically looking around our apartment, they came in and explained they accidentally left phone here. I started freaking out realizing I was alone at home because I was worried something happened and I don't know this person's phone number or even remember their name (I was only told it once and hes also a trans person so he doesn't really know what his name is yet), and I doubt that my partner remembers my phone number, I can't remember their full phone number either.

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I was full meltdown sobbing when my partner came in less than an hour before they had to go for work and they explained that they both fell asleep unintentionally and it wasn't meant to be an overnight and that they left their phone here on accident. I usually drive them to work but I've been having a pain flare up this week and I'm really upset (The pain and the emotions end up getting into a feedback loop together to feel awful emotional an physically) so I have asked them to get an Uber to work. I really want to talk about this with them after work and I know that they will listen, I just have a lot of anxiety about talking about my feelings and I don't even fully understand my feelings yet and I've only been awake an hour after poor sleep. This week with the plan of my partner going in a hanging out hooking up at this person's place we've talked about some things that will help me not feel discarded, and my partner abided by that like giving me some comitted time with them before they went over to another person's house. and we talked about my insecurity about being replaced because since I'm disabled I often feel like I don't bring enough to the relationship even though I know I do bring a lot, My partner shared that they have replacement in security too and it made me feel a little better knowing that they understand it.

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I have been sobbing and using talk to type for this whole post, I have tried to proofread it but I probably missed things so if the wording is weird just highlight it to me and I'll correct it for whatever the fuck speech to text interpreted. Also I'm sorry that this probably goes in circles a little bit and gets rambly, everyone tells me I talk in circles but I'm just too brain fried from the pain in my body to actually care about talking in circles. Also I have autism and I feel like that's probably relevant, it's already difficult for me to adjust to this change of my partner starting to see other people after years of them not, I do want them to see other people but change is hard for me even when it goes well, and after last night I do not feel like this change is going well.