Tldr: wife Ashley (32f) and I Blake (32m) were ghosted by our gf Chrissy (32f) I have helped work Ashley through her emotions and loss but I have yet to feel any less grief or confused. I still think of our ex Chrissy every morning and every night before bed. I’m ready to move past this but am really struggling mentally and emotionally with it all. How can I find some ways to help myself since I don’t have the support system I can share with.

So backstory, my wife Ashley (32f) and I Blake (32m) had a friend Chrissy(30f) of a few years come out telling us she was attracted to us both. After about half a year after that we all decided to date (at the time we had no clue about anything poly or enm) we would fly her out every month or so for a week or more.

Honestly it was pretty great, me(Blake) and my wife(Ashley) have been together 13 years, and this was the first time we had allowed ourselves to emotionally and romantically connect with anyone since our monogamous relationship had started (had tried the swinging thing a few years into our relationship and closed that door after about a year)

Chrissy became both our girlfriend (after the breakup we have read a few books on enm/poly) I would say that my relationship and my wife’s with Chrissy was v but often leaned towards a triad. We also had given her an equal equity in our relationship and life, we didn’t know it then but we had given her a primary partner role.

After almost a year of dating my wife and I decided we would live for our significant other to come be with us full time and offered her to move in for the foreseeable future until she wanted to find her own space. We always told chrissy that we understand how it may not work forever and she was always going to be supported if she wanted more or someone else for herself, but we wanted to try it and that She (chrissy) was worth it even if it wasn’t forever.

So chrissy picked a move in date, we got the house all ready for her to come. Cleaned out an extra bedroom we had for her if she wanted it, got a new bed setup for our bedroom so she could sleep in our bed anytime she wanted. We helped arrange job interviews, worked on her resume, even found her a job in her hometown that she could transfer here with and never miss a beat.

About 2 months before the move in date Ashley had noticed a shift in chrissy’s personality. She was less present(we generally FaceTimed multiple times a day), not communicating much emotion, actually had stopped saying I love you. I had gaslit Ashley saying I’m sure she’s feeling pressure and fear about moving her life across country and we just needed to be more understanding and sensitive to the changes she was making for us.

Now about a month out from move in date (my birthday) I’m at a sporting event that I take part in, and Ashley sends me a message chrissy sent her basically saying she’s sorry but she can’t move here and that things weren’t working. Ashley understandably got upset when Chrissy could really explain anything other than just saying sorry. and chrissy ghosted. No more communication, no explanations, just hurt.

My wife (Ashley) took things hard and I made sure to be there and support her as she just lost someone she loved. I knew I was the only person she had to talk about it and work through it so I put my feeling to the side and did what I need to do for her.

We are three months past the breakup and I’m still feeling it. I wake up thinking of her and what did I do wrong, what did we do wrong. Go through my daily motions trying to figure out how I could have let it happen, let my wife get hurt. Then I go to bed thinking of how much I miss her, how I wish she was just down the hall or even right next to me.

We found out after chrissy started blocking us, that she in fact had a bf 5 days after breaking it off, and had a placed lined up for her to move into less than a month after.

I feel like I’m in a hole and can’t ask for a ladder out from my wife. Our relationships with our chrissy wasn’t something we would kitchen table talk about. But we both knew we had deep rooted feelings for her. I don’t ever want my wife (Ashley) to feel less than or like I loved someone more than her because end of the day she’s my partner the person I chose for life and love her more than I have any other person.

When can I expect to feel even just a bit better, it’s hard wearing a mask and I’m tired. I wish there was closure but I don’t think I’ll ever have that.