I (28F, straight) have been in an open relationship since the beginning of the year and things between my partner and I are going great. What I am struggling with is how I am treated by outside partners. One partner had had an open relationship himself, claimed to be very educated on non-monogamy, consent and accountability, regularly went to sex-positive parties etc., and ended up trying to pressure me into doing sexual activities that I didn‘t want to do. He overstepped a boundary and things ended. Another partner was really nice, but – while also having had an open relationship himself – seemed to think that an open relationship equals treating others as sex-toys and was repeatedly overwhelmed by me treating him kindly. He also seemed overwhelmed with me being in a relationship, as in he felt like there was an imbalanced power dynamic between us and he therefore felt the need to prove how "cool" and unattached he was. I got annoyed, and things ended.

Now, I dated someone with whom things were going great, who again had also had an open relationship himself. Lots of things in common, great and intimate conversations about relationships, family and mental health, lots of non-sexual physical intimacy (all of which he initiated). I really liked him and saw him as someone that I could have in my life more permanently, even if just as friends. I communicated how much I enjoyed spending time with him and he reciprocated. Now he told me that he met someone and doesn’t feel like seeing me anymore. Not even a "thanks for the great dates", "but I‘d love to stay in contact" or anything that could imply that he cared for me in any way. I feel like he was completely detached from me and used me to get emotional and physical intimacy without having to take any responsibility as I‘m in a relationship anyway.

I know that I need to communicate more clearly what an open relationship means to me and that I need to have stronger boundaries when it comes to who I date. But I feel like it is so hard to find people who have the emotional intelligence and maturity to handle the kind of connection I am looking for. I also feel like this is especially true for men, but maybe I’m wrong and this is an issue no matter the gender.

Has anyone had similar experiences? Or a different perspective or some advice on how to deal with this? Thank you!