Up until this year, I (34 M) I would've described myself as ex-poly, mostly out of resignation.

I've been dating online for 13 years, non-monogamously for a large part of it, and during that time have dealt with almost every OLD horror story, and unfortunately, negative stereotype about poly folks. NRE addicts, married swingers, people who hook up and ghost, people who only want biweekly sex appointments, people who don't reveal they're actually aromantic, people with untreated personality disorders that keep them from maintaining a relationship and try to make up for it by swapping out partners every few months... just listing them is exhausting.

So I finally decided to call it quits and join Hinge since it's specifically aimed at mono relationships. ...However, it turned out the person I ended up meeting there (32 AFAB enby) was solo poly. They've been upfront about it since the beginning: I was hesitant, but we were otherwise so perfectly-matched I was willing to accept it. We've been dating for five months and official for just under two, and so far it's been the happiest relationship I've ever had.

And I'm not opposed to the idea of seeing other people. I even fantasize about it a lot. I just have zero interest in repeating any other experience I've had to this point. The idea of having to stay on the apps makes me feel like someone who finally paid off their mortgage only to be told "Actually, we forgot you had a second one, and fuck if we know the term or interest. Good luck!"

But all those anxieties still stayed in the background until a few weeks ago when they began to get more distant. Hanging out with friends instead of me more often, having less time to call, needing more alone time, asking to scale back how often I come over—the pattern I'm all too familiar with from my other failed relationships—to the point where I finally just asked if they wanted space, then later, if they were having doubts about us. But they said no to both, and that in fact, it was because they'd gotten more secure in the relationship, to the point where they figured I wouldn't leave them if we stopped being joined at the hip all the time like we were during the honeymoon phase. And we still message every day, they're still responsive, and we still frequently say we love each other.

But where I was the only person they were dating until this month, they've started seeing another guy. They didn't know if it was going to become anything because he'd just gotten out of a mono relationship and was even more unsure about poly, but the longer it went on, the more I figured it was. And today they confirmed it: he came over and they got intimate.

And I wasn't expecting how much insecurity it would trigger.

I already saw them as out of my league: They make way more money than I do, I'm between cars since wrecking mine last year—I'm saving up for another, but not quite sure when it'll happen—and lately I've been suffering from ED. I always get them off orally and manually, but I'm bad at navigating my health insurance's system, I'm overwhelmed trying to get meds for it. So I've felt inadequate as a man for a while, and despite knowing nothing about they guy, I'm all but convinced he's going to be everything I'm not and sweep them off their feet.

Thankfully, we have great communication and talk openly about everything. They've been nothing but supportive of all my issues. When they filled me in on it tonight, they asked if I wanted to talk about it even more. I openly admitted I was having replacement anxiety, and they responded, "The only thing I can do is reassure you. I'm not looking to replace you. I want you and a relationship with you. I want to [continue doing the things we do together]. Ultimately, I'm willing to navigate your feelings about me being with other people while respecting mine at the same time." Which I think is the best anyone can do.

So I responded with the only conclusion I've come to: That I know it's ultimately my issue to work out in the end, and if I start getting clingy and possessive, it'll only bring about exactly what I was trying to avoid. And we've agreed to be transparent about everything that happens between them.

But I still have this horrible dread in the pit of my stomach as if I already know this is the end. I have no interest in breaking up with them, but probably due to the sheer number of bad experiences I've had in the past, it's hard to shake the feeling that they're going to leave me. It's even been throwing me into a mini depressive episode that's killed my productivity for the last week.

Yes, I'm seeking therapy, but even with sliding-scale options, I don't know if I can hack another $120-$150/month bill.