I have avoidant attachment. Bad childhood has lead me to be pretty fiercely independent. In spite of it my partner and I get along well. But my avoidant attachment really flares up in the face of ENM. I feel like my existence 'gets in his way' of him dating so I 'remove myself' by becoming less social, or just making myself busy. I spend my day doing chores around the house instead of playing post-work catch-up. I've tried expressing to him that he hasn't done anything wrong when it comes up, and that I just want him to have his space. But he gets upset with me because he didn't ask for any space, and he wants me to be around, not to shut him out.

I don't know how to "have my cake and eat it too" or whatever. I know that factually my relationship with him will never be the same as his relationship with anyone else, because we're all completely different people. But in my head I hate to potentially impede on him bathing in the feelings of NRE because I'm taking up his time. I know open communication and all, but I'm not going to expect him to tell me "this has been fun, but I'd like to get back to someone right now". It just feels unrealistic.

If I give him space then he can do whatever he wants to do without me interfering. And then I don't feel guilty when I spent time with him. The feeling of guilt comes from the feeling that I value him and his time, and want him to be happy. And if that being happy is exchanging texts with his new connection then that's what I want for him. Maybe I'm pushing away too because it in part makes me sad to think that he would rather spend his time with someone other than me in some moments, even if he does come back to me day after day.

But I'm worried that maybe I'm pushing too far. I'm almost entering this dangerous mindset that he would be happiest without me in the picture because I'm someone he's spent years with and I'm unappealing in comparison to someone new. And if I wanted what was best for him then we should go our own ways. But I also know that's extreme, because we've been together for this long for a reason.

There's so much to unpack but I don't know how to. I can't read his mind or want to ask him because I feel like he'll just tell me what I want to hear. I can't put myself in my shoes because I've had no luck with ENM so I'm running purely on hypotheticals. I want to be more present before I start to push him away too much. I just can't get this thought out of my head that he's happiest without me. Maybe I've forgotten how to make him happy with me. Maybe I've been taking too much and not giving enough.