I’ve posted in here before anonymously about my situation but I’m at the point I just need someone to tell me I’m in a toxic relationship.

For some background, I (30F) have been with my husband (29M) for over 10 years. He has been my only relationship besides a three month one I had a year prior to him. We have a 5 year old son together and live together.

Early into our relationship we discovered he has a cucking kink, but due to the way I was raised (very religious) I said if I ever went for that, I would need to meet the right person and be in a physical and emotional relationship with them. He agreed and although the topic came up a few times over the years, he never pressured me.

2 years ago I met who then ended up becoming my partner, let’s call him Mark (now 47, M). Mark and I now work together by coincidence, however when we first met we did not. We fell for each other quickly and now looking back I realize it was love bombing. He had been married for 22 years prior and has 3 children, 2 older teens, one preteen. Now, I am almost 8 months pregnant with his child (that will come later).

The first 9 months or so were a dream. Everything I had ever wanted, definitely limerance and NRE. He knew about me being married and was fine with it, saying how he would do whatever it took to make it work. We went through a brief break up this past December and then got back together. Otherwise he respected my relationship and him and my husband would even hang out at times.

In April, I was about to get an IUD for birth control and in the moment he did not use precautions one night and I did get pregnant (confirmed by timing and DNA test). Everything changed after that.

Since June, it has been a cycle. He’ll go through days of all day long berating me, guilt tripping me for being married and not choosing him over my husband (who he wants me to leave now), will say things about “I just imagine coming home to you” and other comments where then when I dont respond he gets mad. He tells me how I’ve ruined his life and how selfish I am. He’ll make disgusting comments involving my intimate life with my husband. He calls me names, he’ll block me. He’s called me a two dick whore, dirtier than a slut, a selfish knife twister, a pathetic excuse for a mother, a life ruiner, I could go on and on.

Then, suddenly he turns a new leaf, he is so sorry, he can’t believe he has been so disrespectful, etc and promises things will be different and then for a day or two, sometimes longer, he’s back to the incredible person I fell in love with. Then, it will all start again. He then tells me that if I do leave him alone that that’s really the last thing I should have done and I should have chased him.

I feel stuck. I’m scared to say I’m around my husband or wear my ring around him. I’m scared to have him over to my house and know I’m going to hear for days about my pictures with my husband around. I walk on eggshells. I’m so desensitized to the verbal abuse now I don’t even get hurt by it anymore. I still feel so attached to him and in love with him and I feel so stuck.

My husband is still very supportive but is incredibly concerned about his instability, and says he will not put up with it since he comes from an unstable household which I agree with. I’m having this baby in 7 weeks and I don’t even know how to make this work with all of us together under one roof with Mark being all mad that he’s just this third party and all. I don’t know what I’m doing.

If you read this much thank you. I know this is bad and unhealthy but I guess I just need someone to tell me.