Hey everyone, I wasn’t really planning on posting, but now that I’ve processed what’s happened to me a little more I just wanna share it. I’m not expecting or asking for any advice, but just want to tell my story because I don’t want to repeat it over and over again in my friend circle.

My boyfriend and I were in an open relationship for the past 4 1/2 years. We never intended on getting in a relationship in the first place, we just connected in a very tight knit friend way. The friendship wasn’t geared towards FWB or with expectations behind it. It was purely just a great friendship. One day, a mutual friend of ours convinced us that it was actually love that we felt for each other, and that we should make our love official. So we did.

One of the caveats that I was nervous of going into a relationship with him was that he would want to be monogamous. But to the contrary, she wanted an open relationship too. Without going into too much detail, our sexual desires differed quite a bit. We didn’t build our relationship expecting much sexual gratification from each other. We did occasionally, but that wasn’t the foundation. We wanted our open relationship so that we could explore our sexual side with people who would have those mutual interests. But our love was always for each other.

Moving forward, to about two months ago, I could send something was off. So I asked him what was wrong. Apparently, a few months prior, he reconnected with a friend of his that he had no prior romantic interest in. But he was developing feelings for this person, and that person was developing feelings for him.

This person I’ve met a few times leading up to two months ago. This person is the equivalent of a ray of sunshine. No judgment, no hate, fully invested in a polyamorous lifestyle (I was not aware that he was polyamorous at the time, but he did spread love in a way that we all should regardless of polyamory, and I admired it). He was even interested in doing some of the things that I am personally interested in a way that I enjoy it.

I was aware that they have fooled around, and he had asked me on different occasions about different things, if I’d be comfortable with them or not. Normally, I would not be comfortable with my boyfriend cuddling with somebody else.

There were some other things that I did mention that I was uncomfortable with, not much. He said he totally respected my boundaries and wanted to make sure that I was comfortable with the things that he did with my boyfriend. I’ve never had anybody act so respectfully towards my relationship. And it made me grow a fondness.

Fast-forward to two months ago, my boyfriend presented to me that they had this connection, and that they were hoping I would be open to a polyamorous lifestyle. I don’t wanna go super long into what I felt at that moment, but it was a huge blow.

It was hard for me to picture a situation where I could be OK with my boyfriend saying I love you to another person, but I didn’t leave then. I told them that I was scared of losing what I had. The new partner said that think of it as me gaining, not losing. We did a lot of back-and-forth with that, but I ultimately caved to understand what he was trying to say.

A couple weeks ago, we stayed with our new partner where he lived due to some stuff going on at home. During this time I saw their bond was something like I’ve never had with my boyfriend. I became depressed, and brought it up, saying that I was jealous. They grew super intimate together, in a way that my boyfriend and I never really had. Laying in bed and staring at each other, caressing, etc. They knew that I was uncomfortable with certain things so they were certain things they would not do in front of me until I became comfortable with it.

I became depressed, like I said, and we had a discussion because of how I was feeling. The new partner was trying to facilitate a discussion about us, not having communicated very much in the past, based on what he’s heard from the both of us in private conversations. So he wanted us to be able to communicate now, to try to find out what’s going on, to make everybody more comfortable.

In this discussion, my boyfriend said at one point that he was no longer sexually attracted to me. I found out that they made out, something that I’ve never gotten to do with my boyfriend because he told me that he was not into making out. I’ve also found out they had sex, despite that the new partner was not a bottom , my partner is a strict top.

I’ve been trying to get myself in a comfortable position to bottom for my boyfriend, even prior to all this, but was not ready yet. So it was kind of a blow to find out that they already did.

I then came to find out when bringing this up in discussion that my boyfriend said he doesn’t want that stuff with me. He said flat out he’s not sexually attracted to me.

We communicated our wants for our relationship, and he says he wants to want these things with me, but his body literally won’t let him. Our new partner asked him if he would be willing to try to find that spark, and that desire. My boyfriend was reluctant to even answer whether he could or couldn’t.

My boyfriend said that he would try, but he didn’t know what time tailed. I’ve expressed to the both of them that I’m scared of ending up alone, and they asked why. I said because “this is a 2.5 way relationship right now, my boyfriend is giving you everything, I am willing to give you everything, you’re willing to give me everything, you’re giving him everything, and he’s giving me half of him. I feel so alone, and I’m being told that I might have to be OK with not getting these things, so that you can have them.”

And not so few words, they tried to explain to me why it shouldn’t matter that I get to make out with my boyfriend, or have sex with him. That normalizing not having those things over 4 1/2 years means that it might not work. Yet it worked for them…

They have brushed off my concerns of feeling alone multiple times, saying that I’ll never be alone, that if I’m alone, it’s because I choose to be. Well, I also found out other things that apparently my boyfriend has been into, that he’s never wanted to do with me, but it apparently came “ naturally” to him with the partner.

Now I’m single, now my boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend is moving to another state with the partner. I have so much more I could tell you why I feel like I was manipulated into polyamory, when it was never polyamorous. It felt like pity love, or loving out of guilt from the both of them.

We had good times together, all three of us, but the connection those two had was far superior to what I had. We broke up three days ago, it was amicable enough. I initiated it for my boyfriend because there is more reason for him to get out of the state then just the partner. But I saw today apparently he’s already up there the weekend after I break up with him. I don’t know if it’s selfish of me to feel that he should have spent a weekend at home with his family, and ponder things. I know it’s not my place to tell him what he can and can’t do, it never has been. But I can’t help but feel polyamory ruined my relationship. Part of me feels that it wasn’t even polyamory, that it was just he left me for another man.

I’m sorry this was so long, and there’s so much more to it. But I don’t wanna go any longer. It just helps to be able to write these things down.

I do want you all to understand, though that I do support polyamory, even if it’s not for me. I do not know if I will ever be, but I love you all and support you all.

Tl;Dr: can someone else do this for me? I don’t know how to sum it up lol