I'm hoping for some nuance here. I don't think people are write offs and I think everyone is worthy of love and forgiveness. But I don't know how to get through this.

I've (43f) been dating my bf (50m) for over 2 years. But he has a pattern/addiction/impulsive behaviors around barrier free sex. For context, I also have a husband (42m).

Like, on our fifth date he removed the condom without asking. I knew this had happened, so it wasn't stealthing, but he didn't ask and I didn't say anything. Yikes. I told my husband about this...turns out he never told his wife.

On our one year anniversary he pressured me not to use a condom...extensively. I held firm but it sucked.

A few months later he disclosed he had regularly had barrier free sex behind his wife's back and never told her. Said he felt terrible and wouldn't happen again. We had a lot of discussions about informed consent. He said he got it, felt terrible, and would change. He agreed to tell me in future if he had barrier free sex with others.

He worked with his spouse to change their barrier agreements and started having barrier free sex with another of his partners. He told me this might happen but didn't tell me after it happened and said he forgot. He does have memory issues but I've done so much to work to forgive him and extend understanding that I feel pretty shit about this and de escalated the cadence of the relationship.

I'm super sad about jt because...while I know I just described what sounds like a terrible person...he actually has the capacity yo be the sweetest, most understanding and gentle man I have possibly ever known.

I just...am struggling to know how to love both him and me at the same time.