For me, non-monogamy is more a need than a wish. In the past, I was never well in monogamous relationship, I've cheated, left people I loved because felt that need of looking somewhere else.

After a last very painful breakup, some therapy, I discovered the world of non-monogamy. I finally found a type of relationship where I can finally be myself without hurting the people I love. That's what I thought, at least.

My first non-monogamous relationship was always meet with anger and painful fights when having adventures (while even if sometimes painful when she was having adventures, I always tried to be calm, happy for her and focus on that). I have difficulty managing when people are angry toward me. It makes me crawling back in my shell, accepting things that I don't want. I know that I have to work on that.

My second and current non-monogamous relationship saw everything that happened with the first one, she knows how I work. We match so well, I love her a lot but, we was never in a open relationship before me, didn't even know about that type of relation, but willing to try. Now, almost 1 year in, we are having discussion about continuing because in fact, she never got used to open relationship and it doesn't really work for her.

The more I learn and read seems like polyamorous matches the best my vision of love. She might be able to handle a relation where we only do things together with other people (In theory, the only date we had with a 3rd didn't end up well).

Even if it's kind of obvious what we should do, it is so painful. I'm telling myself that maybe we started too strong, I'm tempted to try to find a middle ground because you never find a person that match you perfectly and it is always a question of compromise, but at the same time, I'm not sure I should compromise on that topic.

End of the rant, needed to vent.