TL;DR.: is it ethical to refuse to answer a consent request in this specific circumstances? Listening to opinions. Feel free to roast me, even the harshest critic will be useful for me.

Bf and I (31 and 38) have been together for 6 months. Both of us knee deep into NRE. From the beginning he stated he'd be interested in some forms of ENM, but he is unsure of which and doesn't feel it's mandatory, though he's never proposed monogamy. I've stated don't really like any form of nonmonogamy, but I am willing to challenge myself as far as my wellbeing allows it. I've read the jealousy workbook, polysecure and open deeply, also been going to therapy and listening to multiamory podcast.

Over the course of these six months, there have been two major ENM experiments: a threesome (I was naive to start from that) and a week of DADT during vacations (traveling separated). After both experiments I felt devastated and disregulated, and it took me over to weeks to get my footing back and reduce the intrusive thoughts.

At the moment I'm on a 3 weeks trip abroad, and we've agreed that he may go to a sex club if he wishes, I insisted on that. Knowing him, at the last moment he will most likely ask for permission and if I'm truly ok with it.

However, I will not want to answer that, I don't want to give more consent than I already have. Therapy made me realize that exacerbating my consent exacerbates my pain, because on top of having to cope with something that hurts me so deep, I am abandoning myself every time I'm asked for consent and I give it. So, in case he asks, this is what I'm planning to answer, but I'm not sure my moral compass is pointing me in the right direction:

"My love, I know you care about me a lot and you want the best for me. I really appreciate your concern. But for this specific situation, the best for me is not to make that decision. I need you to trust that I'll be able to take care of myself and, as you have required, I will ask you to stop only if I think it's too much to handle and my mental health is at risk.

We have agreed to this, I can't give you more consent than that, because even though I want to face this, it's really painful, and having to repeat that I agree at this moment feels like betraying myself. Also, I can't tell you not to do it, because I'd be wasting all the work I've put into this and I'd be exerting over you a kind of power I don't want to exert unless my mental health is at risk.

So I'd like you to make the choice without any further input from my side. Whatever you choose, as long as it's within what we've agreed for this occasion, I won't judge you, I won't use it against you, I will not hold resentment. Instead, I will use it to learn more and keep building our relationship in a way that both of us can feel happy."---

Alternatively, I could lie by encouraging him, suck it up, and after we meet again sit down and tell him that in future experiments I don't want to be asked time and again whether I'm fine with it