For a little run down on our relationship: We are currently 22 & 21, we met online when we were just 17 & 18. I live in europe and she lives in the usa. We connected so well so fast, i think mainly because when you fall in love over facetime, you are constantly face to face just talking, no touch or physical feelings to get in the way of your judgement of their character. She was kind, nonjudgemental, understanding, we could talk about literally anything in the world together, no weird looks or mocking me for any of my interests, just infatuation, i had never experienced this before. I had been in 1 previous relationship that lasted 6 months and i was her first serious boyfriend.

We ended up making things official after 2 months of talking, i was the hesitant one because i find it hard to let people in. She revealed a side of me i didnt know i had, i truly felt safe around someone for the first time in my life. And she was very independent with walls up high, but with me, came out a soft part of her that she was too shy to even admit it.

We ended up meeting up for the first time 4 months later. It was amazing, i met her family, she was still living at home at the time & i met all of her childhood friends. We were obsessed with each other, obviously we were still in the honeymoon phase. Returning to our own lives was hard but each visit was just a checkpoint, one step closer to finally moving in together one day.

About a year into our relationship she ended up moving to New York, to make her dream come true, she always wanted to move there. But when she did, as much as she loved the city, it was hard. Obviously being all alone in a big city is not easy, and making real friends can be hard. She also started working 30 hours as well as online school. It was hard for me as well knowing i wasnt there in person to support her through all of it, but i did as much as i could.

Strangely after 3 years even after all of our ups and downs, it still felt as if the honeymoon phase never ended, i was still infatuated with this beautiful girl. And mainly the downs would be difficulties regarding communication or figuring out how to show up for each other in the best way. But we always conquered everything, we always trusted each other and communicated as much as we could.

Also by that time, she luckily had made some great friends from her work, and she was able to do some great activism work for her union. Although with all of this, school, work, friends, and time for herself, it became harder to manage our time so we started calling a few times a week instead of nearly every day. Its all part of growing up, you cant just the same person all day every day, its important to form connections of your own and focus on your own life.

Mainly through all of this, i have worked as much as i can living with my parents, saving money and hanging out with my friends occasionally. Though its hard feeling like i can really grow into the person i want to be when im just waiting to move. The reason i hadnt moved yet was because my girlfriend was still in school and wouldnt be finished for another 2 years. So it was tough but we had it planned out and she would always be worth the wait for me.

Now fast forward to half a year ago, in our february/march visit, everything in our relationship has been better than ever. Mind you were are still monogamous at this point. We traveled outside of the city with her friends, we did our usual exploring and adventuring together as we do. We even started trying new stuff in bed etc. I felt as if we were finally blossoming into our adult selves and our relationship was stronger than it had ever been.

About a month and a half after i returned back home, in april, my girlfriend proposed to open our relationship, now typically ive always been monogamous, but because of her reasoning, being bisexual, she wanted to explore her identity more and who she really is. I am also very open minded and always have been eager to understand her out of love. Her reasoning was never because i wasnt giving enough, but rather she wanted to explore the parts in life that i dont have to offer.

Because i love her so much i end up agreeing. I wanted to challenge myself and my own views so through all of this i end up doing research and really questioning everything i know regarding conditioning and traditional relationship values.

Her first hookup with someone else was difficult to process but the next day when she shared her experience, the glow in her eyes and her openness made me happy for her rather than jealous.

I never had any desire to pursue anyone else, so maybe this is what made things so difficult but we started setting boundaries for enm. This of course was difficult again but in theory we agreed to all of the boundaries, mainly that her dates are casual, non intimate, protection always, and that she doesnt pursue someone who offers the same thing as i do.

The hard part came when she connected with another person, this time they were nonbinary (amab). I was confronted with another penis being involved in my relationship. Suddenly i felt like my boundary of (pursuing something i already offer) was being challenged. This was super difficult and honestly so much so that we had to take a week break from each other.

After we reconnected, we both journaled and did self reflecting and i got over the penis fear lol. I realized that i was not being replaced or threatened and that their genitals had nothing to do with their experience. hooray right?

Well i think resentment started here. Because she wanted to explore enm and her sexuality but because of constant discussing, difficulties and boundaries being rediscussed, she started to feel unsure about our relationship.

At the time she had hung out with this person about 3/4 times. I knew it was getting close to them probably wanting to hookup so i had said to just make sure to discuss the boundaries next time they hang out and then they can plan for another time where they can possibly hook up after communication. Well they ended up hooking up that night, but she had lied on the day they did saying “we are just hanging out at my place” It wasnt until the next day that i found out that they actually hooked up.

In my eyes, this fell under what i consider cheating. Hooking up without consent. Because we had agreed that we let each other know if you want to hook up with someone and she never did that and lied about what they did that night. She explained that she felt overwhelmed with the boundaries, and didnt trust me so she waited until the next day to see how i would react and if she could trust me. Obviously she was wrong for that but looking back i also definitely has too insecure and has instilled too many unrealistic boundaries. So i forgave her and we ended up discussing a new dynamic regarding enm with less boundaries.

Shortly after this we had our last visit, in june/july. The visit was great to finally reconnect for the first time since being open. There were a lot of factors that made it hard though, I got really sick within the first few days and she had to take care of me for the first week after already feeling resentment from the week prior to the visit. She also felt guilty for hurting me and it made, all these factors lowered the sex drive and made it hard to feel the intimacy we normally would on visits. Despite all of that it was really nice to see each other and we still connected a lot.

Now about a month after the visit, she started going on dates again. In september she connected with a new person, the boundaries were going well and we started feeling closer again as well.

The reason we ended up breaking up was because she proposed that now she feels like she wasnt really comfortable with the casual only boundary and explained how she wanted the freedom to develop feelings for others. This was devastating to hear and in the moment i honestly felt like i just couldnt do it. The whole process of being monogamous fro 3 and a half years to now wanting to develop feelings for other within the span of 5 months was too much for me. So we ended up ending the relationship.

We realized that in order to grow, we couldnt have these expectations and boundaries of one another. But despite that, we still acknowledged that our connection and friendship was too strong to want to give up so we decided to stay friends and call each other maybe just once a week now.

I ended up doing work and got to a point where what she did or felt for others didnt bother me. We connected really well on the phone still and i felt great, despite not being in a committed relationship with her, at least we still had each other whenever we need.

Now a month goes by, the last time we hung out we watched our favorite show and talked about the world and where we are at in life, we connected so well and i know we both felt really close. It felt good not worrying about what she is up to in her personal life. We still discussed wanting to move in together next year because we know each other so well and feel so close together. This was literally just 2 weeks ago. So this is the part that blows my mind:

A week and a half ago, we were supposed to hang out on sunday, though we didnt hang out, i called her and she explained to me that she wants a week apart to herself, no contact, she wanted to process everything in her own way without feeding a narrative that we might get back together one day.

So thats what we did, we took time apart and agreed to check in the next sunday. I was optimistic about our journey because i believed so much in the strength of our love for each other, that we could conquer anything in the world together no matter where life takes us.

Sunday morning i got a message, “sorry i cant call” stating that her (what i thought was) her PLATONIC guy best friend spent the night, now looking back im pretty sure the night before she instilled the week break they also slept together or something happened, either way im pretty sure she has lied to me about their dynamic for longer. I even asked her during the visit in june if she ever felt any way about him and she said no, and if she ever did feel something towards him or anyone, she would tell me.

Also i dont see how him spending the night would stop her from calling me the next day but whatever? I ended up calling her a bunch of times and messaged her asking me to explain what the hell is going on, because i was expecting progress not this nightmare news. She blocked me and didnt communicate what so ever until the next day where i got a message explaining how she doesnt want to talk to me anymore and she doesnt see a relationship involving me in her life anymore.

I asked her and pleaded for some sort of explanation as to what suddenly changed, or for her to confirm if she lied about her relationship with her friend, literally anything. I asked her to call me so we can end things the right way, face to face, still confused as to why she wants me out of her life suddenly.

Today, i received this formal message explaining how she doesnt want me in her life and that she felt like she was just trying to make me happy and that she felt miserable, written in a manner that you would tell your friend who asked “what happened between you two.” It hardly felt personal and i didnt get any kind of explanation as to what happened so suddenly. We literally shared everything with each other and had amazing communication for 4 years. Mind you i never saw her as a deceptive person at all, she has always been super clear and honest with me so this was super out of character.

I am just left with so many questions and pain, forced to say goodbye without even getting to hear from her face to face. All i remember is the last time when we hung out and she seemed so happy and optimistic with me.

Im so confused but ultimately i think opening our relationship after being monogamous was just too difficult for us and it built resentment on her part, and after trying to remain friends, she wasnt able to get over the fact that i didnt give her what she needed when we were still together.

Its devastating and hurts so bad, i have so many unanswered questions and i dont know if ill ever get them answered. Everything happened so fast that i woke up this morning and totally forgot that i cant call her and hang out with her. Its so confusing how fast everything ended…

I dont hate enm and im glad i tried it but i would never go from being monogamous to open ever again. It would have to be so from the start. It caused too much pain and ruined the most beautiful thing ive ever had in my life…