I need to get some help or advice on what to do or to even think.

I (40M) have been married to my wife (40F) for 17 years, but our sex life has been non-existent for the past 10 or so.

The reason thst our sex life has dwindled to this point is due to me. I am an Autistic person, who also happens to have Bipolar and ADHD. Sex has never been a very important thing for me, even when I was younger. While all my friends were out having sex, chasing women, and telling stories about their sex life, I would just pretend that I was doing it. Talking about sex, even in a joking way, has always made me uncomfortable. There is a possibility that I am asexual, or am closer to that than anything else, as I do very occasionally feel that urge or desire for sex, maybe once or twice a year.

Because of this lack of interest, I have neglected my wife's needs and pleas for sex. We have tried scheduling a night for sex, but it never works, as my wife feels like she is pressuring me to be there. During those times when we have sex, I am more in my own head trying to keep myself going, which in turn means my wife can sense it and it ruins the mood for her.

Last night, she opened up to me about this, and told me that "if I am unwilling to have sex with her, then I should allow her to seek it else where".

Now, this isn't about just sex, it is also about her feeling desired and wanted by someone. Someone who will flirt with her to make her feel good about herself.

My wife and I have an extremely strong relationship, and we have grown together over the years. It I just the lack of intimacy that is the last hurdle for us to get past. I don't want to lose what we have, but I am unable to give her what she wants with the intimacy.

We have been discussing it, and I have been trying to figure it all out in my head, but every path I look at is filled with problems.

If I say no and we continue the same as before, then she will either grow to resent me, or she goes out and does it anyway behind my back. Both of these options will end up leading to the relationship failing.

But if I say yes and allow her to go out and seek thst comfort from another person, then I fear that the following will happen. 1. I change my mind before she does anything, see above for results. 2. She goes out and finds somebody to have thst intimacy with, but I can't handle the fact that she has done this and I start resenting her. 3. She find someone else that can fulfil her needs and is a better fit for her than I am, and she leaves me for them. 4. Our friends find out about it, and think that she is cheating on me, and they all turn against her before we can discuss it with them. (We weren't going to tell them anyway).

I just don't know what to do at this point in time. I am going to be speaking with our counsellor, both as a couple and individually.

I want what is best for my wife, and I want to give her what she needs, but how do I do that as a possible asexual, or even process the fact that my wife is out there with another man?

If there is anyone on here that could possible help, or has been in a similar situation, I would love to talk with you and get to know your experiences.