I'm still very much a non-monogamy novice and am hardly a dating expert. I interpreted a prolonged period of silence from someone I'd gone on a successful date with as her likely ghosting me. While I didn't "lash out" or say anything reprehensible or accusatory, I regret not taking time to cool off before answering and perhaps needlessly or prematurely calling things off. I don't think anything I specifically said was an opinion I wouldn't have otherwise felt or felt uncomfortable expressing, but I don't know if, in my moment of anxiety and insecurity, I blew what happened out of proportion.

If I did, I'd like to know how realistic it would be for me to reach back out, apologize for my reaction and see if she would be willing to give me another chance, as that's not something I've ever done before. But, I felt like we had a ton of compatibility and that was only further confirmed by me finding her on another dating app that delved into kinks and sexual inclinations.

Is it too late to give this another shot? Should I even try doing so, given what happened and how either or both of us handled it? Please don't feel the need to coddle my ego — I can accept if or that I irreversibly screwed up — but please be kind with any critiques. I will include a tl;dr at the very bottom, but I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this in full, as there's a lot of pertinent specific context.

***

I (29M) had matched with a prospective dating partner (30 F) on Hinge about a month ago and we went on a date within a week of matching. We both listed our non-monogamous preferences on our profiles (specifically, seeking out a monogamish relationship). The date went great and after I followed up within a couple hours of it ending, we both agreed to a second one, once she returned from an upcoming international trip. We'd been texting back and forth before and since the date consistently, and while she didn't text incredibly often (about once daily), she was engaging when she answered. I'm not a concise person to begin with, and to compensate for the lack of a consistent back-and-forth, I often sent even lengthier messages than I normally would. I'd apologized, unprompted and self-deprecatingly, for them a few times and she said and once reiterated that I had no reason to be sorry.

Two days after our date — and two days before her departure for the trip — that cadence not only decreased; it dropped off entirely. It unfortunately came at an inconvenient time in our discourse, as I had sent a few texts explaining my ideal ENM relationship structure and my priorities in my next relationship, with whomever that may be. Nevertheless, I figured her non-responsiveness was likely because she was prepping for her trip and focusing her energy on that, so I at first thought little of it. I then left her alone until the day of her trip, and that morning, I sent her one text, both to wish her safe travels and to acknowledge that I wasn't expecting to hear from her while she was abroad. She didn't acknowledge or answer that text, either.

Her six-day trip came and went, without me hearing, not that I thought anything of it. In any case, upon her return, I still did not hear from her after two full days of when she was supposed to return. After waffling on whether to check in — after all, I already had left the unaddressed aforementioned relationship goals texts and safe travels message — I decided to send a brief "welcome back/how was the trip" text. My therapist suggested I do that as a means of giving her one more opportunity to show she wasn't otherwise ghosting me, as is all too common and has happened to me plenty before, even after dates agreed to see me again. Initially, I planned on giving her two more days for an answer before deciding whether to confront her lack of responsiveness, but after just under a day, my anxiety and insecurity got the best of me. I sent a long-winded message in which I explained what I figured was going on and why I had thought I was being ghosted — it had been four-plus days of silence after daily texting, and that wasn't including the weeklong trip in between. I didn't accuse her of anything outright, but the short version is that I said I was either hurt that she didn't tell me that she had changed her mind, and that if she hadn't, she at least didn't update me after so much time had passed to let me know where things stood, considering the unanswered messages I had sent and their contents. Upon hitting send, I felt resolved and justified in saying what I did, both because I thought I knew the score and because I was proud of standing up for myself.

Of course, my assumptions — and those of my therapist and of most Redditors who answered a dating advice post I made (and since deleted) — were incorrect. She answered me within 10 minutes of that text and her answer was maybe the only thing that could have upset me more than actually being ghosted: She had never even read any of my texts, going back to that relationship grouping now-almost two weeks ago, and she cited their length as being a reason why she mentally tabled the conversation. She shared that she had been slightly under the weather after likely catching something while traveling and had planned to reach back out to me once she was feeling well and could participate in our next date. Nevertheless, she acknowledged that providing me with an update would have been more helpful than nothing at all and she took responsibility and apologized for the confusion her actions caused.

I probably should have taken more time to cool off before answering, but I replied 10 minutes after her response and reaffirmed what I had said I'd concluded in the prior message, that perhaps we just had incompatible communication styles and patterns that were too different to overcome. I didn't get a reply to that, so 30 minutes later, I sent one more follow-up text thanking her for at least explaining what had happened, wishing her a speedy recovery, and giving her all my best. I then unmatched with her on Hinge, blocked her number, and deleted our text chain, mostly to close the book and take actions to demonstrate to my conscience that I was firm that this was over.

Within a few hours, I began to rethink whether I had made the right decision. For unrelated reasons, I spoke to my mom on the phone soon after this transpired and upon telling her what happened, she initially was questioning the rashness of my decision. Only when I mentioned that my date admitted she never read my texts at all did my mom relent and actively encouraged me to "forget it." It was a reassurance I needed to hear, and one I've tried to remind myself of. That action indirectly indicated either a loss of interest in me, and/or a realization that she wasn't as forgiving of my texting habits as she said or thought she was or would be, neither of which she took the time or courtesy to communicate directly. I felt I had given her an out to tell me I was writing overly verbose messages and she had not told me to alter my behavior; in fact, she encouraged me to keep it up. But, in the days since — it'll be a week tomorrow (Saturday) since I ended it — I haven't been able to let go of the thought that I may have overreacted, and while I've never done this with anyone before, a part of my mind is urging me to consider reaching out to apologize and see if she would be willing to pick things back up. That rumination was only fueled by my finding her on Feeld yesterday, where I found that our sexual compatibility would have been just as in sync as I had felt our date and prior getting-to-know each other was going. I swiped left on Feeld to avoid any temptation, but it hasn't eliminated my possible desire to reach back out.

***

tl;dr:

• First date with prospective ENM partner went well and second one was set to be tentatively scheduled after a forthcoming international trip later that upcoming week
• At a critical juncture in discussing ENM desires, date stopped answering texts in days leading up to and and in days after returning from said trip; she also did not answer my follow-up asking about the trip within about a day of my sending it
• After 10 or 11 days of total silence, I bluntly sent a lengthy text explaining that I was upset I thought she was probably ghosting me, which my therapist confirmed she thought was also the case, and if she wasn't, that she didn't answer any of my texts to prove otherwise
• Date answers my latest text to explain her lack of responsiveness on her trip, which I had already brushed aside; her repetition of a point I'd already made became clearer when she conceded she'd stopped reading my texts going back to said critical juncture and since, due to trip prep and my penchant for long texting
• Date added she was (still) recovering from a travel bug and had planned to wait on following up with me until she felt better, but she acknowledged she probably could and should have updated me in between on where things stood
• I thanked her for the apology but said the divide in communication styles and consideration for sending an update was probably a fundamental incompatibility (not worded that harshly, but that was the gist); I followed up one more time a little later to thank her for explaining the situation and wished her well and a get well soon