Idk if 23 yo is considered young still. After three failed dating experiences, I'm now afraid of the whole pool and getting my heart broken again. So I'm trying to explore myself and figure out what would work the best before trying again. Here's the history of my dating experiences and how I feel towards sex, love, and relationship.

1. My first serious monogamous relationship fell apart because I couldn't control my sexual desires, I wanted to fuck other people asides from my ex all the time because he couldn't satisfy me. So I broke up with him, to well, go fuck a guy after 2 days. There were other reasons too, but sex was the main reason. I kept catching a crush on someone else (a coworker, a male friend, a roommate) during the whole time we dated and hell the sexual desire I had for them was higher than for my ex. I love him still, not in a sexual way, but he was like a family to me. He was the best boyfriend that I could ever ask for and I didn't deserve him for telling the truth of our breakup. I still care, and look out for him. I still hope for him to be happy.

2. A yeah the love, I think I still love and look out for my first love from high school too. He was a troublesome kid, a broken one. I hope that he could heal and find peace one day. But I have no sexual intention towards him

3. Now with the next guy after my mono ex, he - I'll call him S, lives a poly lifestyle. When I stepped into his life, he made it clear to me that he was dating multiple people. But at one point, he lost contact with them and there was only me. I fell in love with him (though we never dated). At the time I also wanted to explore the lifestyle, to see if it works for me. But I think I may did it wrong lol. I went on dates and fuck many guys while I was talking to him. Some of the guys, I met up with them again for a second/third dates, but they didn't last. I lost interest in the guy or vice versa. And in the end, my interest always circulate back to S. I think my love hyper focused on him so the feelings I had for the other guys were mere likeness or lust. We stopped talking as I got too toxic because of my jealousy, I couldn't stand the fact that this S guy would move on and talk to other females. So that was when I decided maybe I'm not that much into polyamory idk.

But it's weird, because when I was in a mono relationship, I wished to try poly, so I tried, and now, I'm scared of the lifestyle altogether lol. If a lifestyle makes me lose my significant one to someone else, I don't want it. I mean in terms of me, if I hyper focus on someone, the others are just flings, I can manage to flirt around, have sex with other people than my partner, and maybe even catch feelings but at the end of the day, my initial partner means the most to me and if he tells me to cut contact with all the other guys, I would. Sex is sex, I do desire sex but I won't throw away what I have. I mean I did break up with my first ex to pursue that desire tho, I did wish that he would allow me to open the relationship, because the one I would always chose would be him. And if he wanted to go explore sex around, he would be freely to do so, as long as he wouldn't leave me. With the S guy, it was different tho, I felt like I wanted to control him because I was too jealous and paranoid about a chance that he would catch deeper feeling with someone else and abandon me. We stopped because I went beyond toxic. I made him hate me so I could move on easier.

TL-Dr: I'm young, I'm so confused about myself and too afraid to try again.