I (F26) was in a non-monogamous relationship with someone (M29) who had been with his partner (F26) for nine years. We were together for about 4 months before we ended things. He was feeling overwhelmed by the challenge of managing both relationships. Despite the breakup, we still talk and have strong feelings for each other, even though we both understand that being together isn’t possible right now.

Our connection was incredibly strong, both mentally and physically, and we had even talked about future plans together. He has been an incredible partner, and both of us were relatively new to non-monogamy, which added to the complexity of our situation. With me, he found romance, passion, sexuality, adventure, and shared interests. While this doesn’t mean he lacked these elements in his long-term relationship, it was clear that they were not enough to satisfy him. He also shared with me that he experienced things with me that he had never explored before.

Although he and his partner still care for each other, their relationship has changed. They are working through these issues in therapy, trying to accept their new status and navigate the gap in desire that has created tension between them. The weight of our relationship was a significant burden on their long-term relationship. Apart from the challenge of balancing their long-term relationship with ours, we had no other problems between us.

We have decided to take space from each other to reflect individually, consider the future, and focus on ourselves. I sometimes wonder if he's truly happy or if he's staying out of comfort and fear of change. I've gently tried to encourage him to reflect on his own desires and happiness, but I know it’s not my place to push. He’s already mentioned that he feels like I’m trying to guide him, which makes him hesitant.

Recently, we shared a magical evening together—an experience that had been planned before we broke up. Though I knew it could be painful, I went through with it, and the night was filled with warmth and intimacy, which deepened my feelings and reminded me of the bond we shared. It made letting go even harder.

I’m struggling to fully detach because part of me is still holding onto hope, even though I know he needs to figure things out for himself. At the same time, I’m working on my own life—seeing friends, working, and practicing yoga—but the uncertainty lingers. I fear I won’t find someone who makes me feel as deeply as he did, and though I know holding onto this hope might not be healthy, letting go completely remains a difficult challenge.

That said, this isn’t my first breakup, and deep down, I know that everything will eventually be okay. We are on very good terms, and our separation was clean, which helps in managing this transition. I fully understand and respect his decision. It would have been wrong for him to end his beautiful nine-year relationship for a relationship that lasted only a few months. I don’t want to diminish what we had, as it was very strong and sincere, but he is making the right choice. I recognize that I’m probably seeking comfort or answers in a situation I can’t control, where uncertainty is a constant presence.

Has anyone else experienced something similar, and if so, what helped you get through this period?

I would appreciate responses with kindness and compassion.

Thank you :)