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TL;DR - Which social media accounts and educators give representation to people who are nonmonogamous but not polyamorous?
CW - mental health, PTSD (edit was to include this)
Hi all,
While I don't think they are doing anything wrong, increasingly I feel alienated and triggered by polyamory educators and content creators on social media. Where are the people educating about other forms of nonmonogamy, such as swinging, monogamish and closed dynamics, please?
I've had a long journey with nonmonogamy, have worked through a lot of the poly literary canon including Polysecure, have had peer support with a poly educator and have had therapy, and have been in a variety of relationship styles.
Polyamory is as valid as any other relationship style, but I feel gaslit by the discourse around it.
Being in an open polyamorous relationship, with a partner who is free to date strangers, triggers episodes of C-PTSD in me which are completely unsustainable to live with.
When I read what some educators have to say about unlearning mononormativity, challenging hierarchy and couple privelege, it makes me feel that nonmonogamy holds nothing for me but processing, and that I am not good enough.
For those of us who struggle in nonmonogamy due to attachment trauma, the wording of posts by some polyamory educators can feel almost akin to victim blaming. I feel invalidated, as if I'm being lectured for not trying hard enough to unlearn/decentre, etc., despite my years of emotional labour, and that the answer is always to try even harder, that the pain I am in is actually normal and acceptable, that I am possibly even toxic if I decide I cannot tolerate it.
The resulting imposter syndrome damages my sense of identity.
I have known since my teenage years that I am not monogamous, and I am just as committed to being ethical and consensual as the next person.
Where are the people talking about this? Finding Annie Undone on Instagram was a revelation, are there others?!
I mean there's front porch swingers, we got a thing, and so many out there & really depending on your situation it'll change who is able to speak to you & who can't.
I find the poly sub (not poly people) to be hyper ideological & judgemental and avoid it. The swingers sub Reddit always has people lecturing on their being 1 way to swing, and it just so happens to be the way they practice it. So I avoid that as well, and have made my home in this sub, which isn't perfect and none of us commenting are, but is a bit less judgemental & helpful than the other non-monogomy subs I've found.
Also I'm unclear what your issue is with your partner dating other people, as that falls in more open relationship & lifestyle territory than poly where people are focused on balancing more than one relationship, but just casual dating. Can you kind of clarify what you're dealing with and what works for you & what triggers you?
I started 💯 in the swinger camp and the majority of people I've met IRL, apps, discords, telegrams & more start there when transitioning from monogamy, especially if they're transitioning from mono to non-mono in an existing relationship. Obviously this isn't scientific & is just my personal observation, but the swinger community is clearly sizeably larger than poly based on the data that is out there.
Going from monogamy relationship style to open or poly is really, really difficult. It's much easier to feel secure and not suffer FOMO & feel close to your partner throughout the process of it's a shared an experience. Handling your partner being emotionally & romantically into other people is expert level non-monogomy in my view.
One thing I'll advise is go on a date or do a night out with friends when a partner goes out on a separate date if you can. Don't just stay at home trying to meditate & tell yourself it's alright. Because even if/ when you're 💯 into compersion & relationship secure there can be FOMO, your partner and date are having a great night out while you watch crappy TV. They're having hot sex, while you're becoming a hot mess on a night you 2 could be together doing that. That's how you can spiral when a partner is out.
Sounds like you 2 will work out together in a way that is comfortable for you both. It sounds like either dating together & when/if he goes on a separate date make sure you yourself go out for your sanity at this point.
Subreddit
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- 4 months ago
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- reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy...
Wanting FWB & not having the bandwidth for handling your own poly relationships and your partner having committed relationships elsewhere is so, so common and normal in ENM. Poly people don't demonize it, but sub Reddit police of what's acceptable and ethical over on the poly subreddit do. They don't speak for ENM or poly at large.
Just communicate with your partner(s) you'd prefer more friendships in swinging & casual dating & form relationships in the style that makes you happy & be willing to part as friends with those that are seeking out different relationship styles.