my partner and i have been together for almost 2 years. he said in the beginning of our relationship that he strictly wants to be open/nonmonogamous, and i agreed, as it sounded like a great idea.

while we both venture out and explore ENM through good communication and such, it seems like i struggle much more with feelings of inadequacy than he does. i understand that my shit is because of past sexual and romantic trauma, self image, the whole thing. i do NOT blame him for my feelings, i know i have shit to work through.

im trying really hard to manage my own shit, find coping skills when hes out of the house with others, journal and reflect and meditate and so much reading. but im still struggling.

a few days ago, we had a beautiful conversation about the terms of our relationship and things that impact us, as i felt like i was ready to continue forward with more comfort and stability with myself.

then the next two days he goes to see his fwb, i still feel horrible even after our conversation, and i finally told him i cant do ENM anymore. even though its something we both want and enjoy, clearly i have more to unpack than i realized and being partnered and ENM is really hard for me. this decision was something i had been considering for some weeks now, but the ramifications have scared me.

he got really upset: he thought we had found a happy medium during our last big conversation and that now he cant trust me to take our conversations seriously. i felt like that conversations should have fixed things and when they didnt, i got mad at myself and figure we may as well call things off if this isnt working. im tired of feeling so horrible when he leaves to explore with othe rpeople.

now its a question of, do we just coalesce into monogamy, something neither of us want, and watch it turn into resentment? do i call it quits, we break up and i move back into my abusive household, something neither of us want? do i take a break and still move back with my folks while figuring shit out?

my partner decided he wanted to just keep trying ENM with me, as he doesnt want monogamy or to break up. i am frustrated because i felt like i was voicing a boundary, something id given a fair shot at for 2 years, and it is being dismissed. i should note that my partner is also 10 years older than me with way more sexual and romantic experience, and tbh he isnt the most patient person, he even admits this. it all just makes me feel worse because i cant just be okay with ENM.