My (f23) partner (m25) and I have been together just about 5 years, lived together for 3 and are temporarily living separate with family to pay off debt and save for a home.

In the last several months we have had discussions about being open or just having threesomes. Recently a few weeks ago we had a more serious in depth conversation. Him and I have been trying to become more progressive in our thinking and communicating our wants and needs. And be able to be honest that we can appreciate a nice or attractive person.

All in all my partner and I truly love each other but also haven’t had much experience outside of the few people we have been with (3 for him - 5 for me - this includes each other ) . I am bi curious and have never been with a woman, so I expressed wanting to potentially try it with him as I don’t feel comfortable going off on my own. He expressed he has had threesome fantasies (as have I) , he’s also expressed that since he hasn’t had much experience there’s some things he’d like to try (like women of different ethnic backgrounds or bigger assets ) . I appreciate the open and honest conversation.

In the heat of the moment I thought that it would’ve been nice that we would get to have a threesome with a girl so we’d both get to experience a threesome and I’d get to experience my first woman in that way.

We both agreed we would only want to do things together as going off on our own is not an option or something I’m comfortable with. He said he’d be letting the ball remain in my court and it’s fully my decision whether we take this step or not. And that it would be okay if I chose not to go through with it or if I did and tried it once and decided it wasn’t for me then that’s fine. And that the sex would just be for fulfilling fantasies and it’s just pleasure and no emotional connection.

However, now that I’ve had some more personal time to think about things I don’t know how I feel and have been on the fence about it . I brought it up to my partner the other day that I was on the fence and he mentioned that it seems that I continue to teeter between really wanting to and not feeling comfortable. And I said maybe I just want to try it once and that’s it , to his response being “I don’t want to go in to it knowing that it’s going to be one time and never again in my life” . That comment made me feel uneasy as the prior conversation he assured me that even if it was once it would be fine. So it makes me feel unsure .

I have anxious attachment and have had body image issues for a long time and I never thought I’d ever be having this type of conversation with any partner. My partner does make me feel special and beautiful so that isn’t a problem.

He’s said that he has the prize and if another person wants to take a test drive he’s fine with it because at the end of the day I’m his every single day.

I think the biggest issue I have is I don’t think I will react well to seeing him touching yet being inside of another woman. A part of me still feels like I don’t want him to be okay with others taking me for a test drive, I want him to be selfish and tell me that I’m his and only his like we have been. Because I don’t think I’m okay with sharing him in reality as hot as the fantasy might be. But I’m unsure. Because to me being monogamous and feeling like I want to sleep with other people with my partner feels a bit unusual like a guilty pleasure and idk how I feel about that. I love him to pieces and on more than one occasion my overthinking has ruined other things in our relationship.

How do I overcome this anxious feeling? Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did it work out?