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Until my fiance (F30)and I (NB33) are supposed to get married. We are deep in planning, but have had some destabilizing and necessary if not paralyzing conversations around ENM.

She has expressed over our 7 year relationship that sheā€™s interested in more dominant energy- but a few weeks ago, she said she wants a relationship that ONLY embodies the D/s dynamic. (I am happy to play dominant in the bedroom from time to time, but itā€™s not my natural inclination - Iā€™m more switchy/ sensual / maybe even a bit vanilla.)

She said if that energy isnā€™t going to come from me she would want to seek it out outside the relationship. Even tho itā€™s hard and Iā€™m working through some deep insecurity around not feeling good enough for her- Iā€™m willing to be open to that.

On my side, I have expressed being interested in the option to grow relationships outside of ours. We have tried on and off ā€œhall passesā€ for the last few years and I have had a hard time separating sex from potential friendships/ relationships. I donā€™t like the ONSs because I get excited by people and the potential for more.

My partner said she is not at a place where she is willing to be open to that. She said she might be willing to be open to me just having sex with people. But like I said itā€™s hard for me to separate sex and romance. To her, sheā€™s so confident that she will not develop feelings for her future dom. And that what I want is inherently a bigger ask than what she wantsā€¦

Our convos keep fizzling out or we just spin our wheels because we canā€™t seem to find a compromise or common ground. I still want to get married, I love her. I love our life and dogs. And I donā€™t want to ignore what I might want.

Any advice would be helpful.

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šŸ’Æ all of this. And it's already an uphill battle to date as a married (or otherwise committed relationship) person of any gender trying to date women separately especially in the apps. I know beautiful women married to men who for years haven't been able to connect with another woman for solo dates.

She wants the dynamic she wants, but is setting rules in place for you to explore what you want/need in an ENM dynamic. That is hypocritical & won't work and will just foster resentment and an ugly ending. It sounds like she's only focusing on living out her fantasies & not embracing non monogamy & the ethos that one can not just be sexually attracted to more than one person, but have feelings for & love more than one person. Also a sub/Dom relationship is very intense, it's naive to think at some point it won't be more than just sex & she won't feel strongly connected to someone else

The options are keep things closed since she's not going to allow you to do ENM in a way in which you would enjoy & be happy with it. Never open until you're both completely secure in your relationship & are both comfortable with ENM practiced in a way that works for you both. Or end the relationship. Do not agree to an ENM arrangement you aren't comfortable with.

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Yes, but I think what he's saying if there's sex it's a guarantee to happen at some point, not that without sex feelings can't develop.

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4 months ago