I almost asked what is healthy, but I suppose that is still highly subjective.

I recently returned to dating after a hiatus and have encountered a number of men in an enm relationship. Last winter, I went out on a date with a guy in an enm situation, though he didn’t have a primary and also said he would be interested in exploring monogamy with me. We met, I only had friend feelings for him, nothing more really happened. However, he was super mature and communicative, and even brought up STI testing. I really wish there was a vibe, but there wasn’t for me. Another guy was also in an enm relationship but only disclosed in passing, including how they were having a threeway hot tub date a couple days before our date. Unsurprisingly, they ghosted when I asked about STI testing.

As someone unfamiliar with enm, I assume it’s like monogamy dating, where I can still expect an initial and respectful getting to know you period and all that might come with early and mutual courtship? I ask because I’m in a similar situation again. I’m talking with a guy who is mature and asks questions. He is another guy in an enm situation that I met last spring. I don’t know if there is a vibe but I appreciate his interactions with me. This other guy left me on read when I was trying to flirt with him, and didn’t follow up the next day, I messaged first. We didn’t text all weekend, and then he messaged today saying he will be in my area tomorrow.

I’m definitely not tolerating breadcrumbs from anyone, and if I’m being super honest, especially from someone I would theoretically be sharing.

Obviously, a partner who treats me right is what I’m seeking, regardless of whether its a monogamous or enm situation. I guess in an enm situation, I really wonder how a person can possibly be treating their other partners well while treating others as disposable. I know the spirit of enm is more idealistic, but also that there will always be bad practitioners or whatever, like with everything, including monogamy.