Initial conversation my husband was open to hearing about my feelings and concerns and also quick to try and calm my fears. “Do you think I’d leave you for her or something because I won’t” (note:this is a complete throw away statement it’s meaningless)

He was conflicted and said that initially I had been “ok” with the apps, talking to others and the first date so he was wondering what had been different this time.. and if he and her could proceed somehow with that info. Was it too late? Too long a hangout? Etc

That night my sad exhausted self asked if he was going to try and sleep in our bed and he responded no.

I blew up and said he could sleep on the couch and he’s free to keep his girlfriend or he can sleep in our room and have a wife and a son but he doesn’t get both right now. I’m embarrassed by how I acted in this moment but it was true to how I was feeling.

I began thinking through an exit strategy and who we could stay with. He ultimately decided to sleep in our bed. I texted him the post I had written (but not the link). His response was heavy and sad. He said he doesn’t ever want to jeopardize us, or our family. He doesn’t want me feeling this way.

He sent her a text explaining where things are at and telling her they need to “pause”. her first word were something like “honestly I thought this was coming”. He’s requested to stay friends with her, I’m fearful they will keep building this connection with pressure to make it more and keep asking me to reconsider or just go behind my back eventually. I kind of hope she chooses to distance herself out of respect for me and our relationship.

He’s flip flopped a few times pushing back to ask if I may reconsider my feelings or when I might feel “ready” to open back up. What’s different between a casual relationship with her or hanging out with a friend, is he allowed to hang out with his friends still?

All these questions to me demonstrate a lack of understanding of what I am experiencing STILL. I’m so grateful for the comments on the last post for helping me clarify what is wrong with this picture.

He’s mourning, he feels really connected with her and invested in getting to know her. I think he’s fallen in love with the idea of playing single man with hormonally stable, physically normal non postpartum girlfriend. I keep reframing it that he should be invested in getting to know our son not a stranger.

He’s admitted that his drive to find a new partner was pushed forward by feeling neglected by me. Not just sexually but I literally have no time for him. I can’t fix this.. which makes me sad.

. I feel hollow. I got what I was looking for, but it doesn’t feel good. He’s not lost in his phone texting women but last night was still mentally absent doom scrolling Instagram and planning his new diet while I sat next to him with his son. It doesn’t feel good to keep him away from this woman either.

There’s a part of me that feels like he wishes I didn’t have our son and he could explore a relationship with this random woman.

I keep thinking I wish I had never gotten pregnant, I’ve ruined my relationship and my body. Then I get hit with such intense shame for ever having had such a thought about my sweet innocent baby.

I’m having delusional thoughts, like if our son had more of his dad’s features (hair color etc) maybe dad would love him more and want to be here. If I can cook him dinner more and get my hair done, do my makeup, and be a better wife and mother maybe he will feel more interested in me and our family during this intensely stressful time.

I’m mad at myself for not communicating along the way. His search for a partner has hurt this whole past 8 weeks and I never said anything. Sleeping alone hurt and I let it continue. My desire to protect him from negative feelings may cost us our relationship some day. I’m still not showing him the last post to save him from feeling like a bad father and husband.

I still just want. I want him to want me. I want him to want to help me. I want him to want me to feel mentally stable. I want him to feel in love with me. I want kisses and a massage for my tired broken body. I want him to want to make MY body feel good after what it’s done for him. I want him to want to raise his son with equal intensity and buy in

Considering couples therapy. I know I need personal therapy, I’m struggling with old urges to harm myself literally and through eating disorders and substance use. I know I’m not in a good place right now. I’ve reached out to my doctor.

I know for sure when we open this relationship again it will be with me going on a date for the first time in 10 years with a man. OPP is canceled for me now. I can see how it’s unbalanced our relationship. He has genuinely no concept of how I’m feeling. I don’t really want to see anyone else, but I need him to build empathy and insight into how it feels to be me. And I also have needs that aren’t being met. I too feel emotionally and physically neglected, even more than he does.

So, when mama has time to date, so will dad. TBD.

Thanks everyone ❤️

TLDR: relationship closed. Everyone feels sad. I need to return to therapy. Not opening relationship until I want to open my side.