I had a baby 2 months ago. My husband and I have been married almost 4 years, together for over 10 and open basically the whole time, though we’re just open on his side, this is due to a mutual agreement and a lack of interest on my part. I’m not interested in pursuing other men especially not now.

Days after I had the baby I noticed him focused a bit more on his phone chatting with women on dating apps. I was fine with this but casually mentioned waiting to see people to mitigate risks to our newborn. I figured it was in part related to the reduction in my ability to spend time and energy on him. Baby is my main priority right now. It was noticeable though, he hadn’t been with anyone else my whole pregnancy I don’t think, also I’ve never felt less sexual in my whole life than just after giving birth. But I know he has a different experience than me… lol

Well he’s continued searching for a new lady friend, and He just went on a second date with a poly woman he recently met and was gone for 6 hours. He’s asleep so we haven’t discussed it yet.

instead of my normal feelings (compersion, excitement etc) I was GUTTED last night. I felt like my stomach was ripped out. I didn’t sleep.

I don’t know if this is hormones or what..

Part of me feels like I don’t want to share his time/money/affection rn, I need him. We need him.

He is already sleeping in a different room because the baby is disruptive. I feel lonely a lot lately. I’m so sucked into this kid. Sometimes I can’t even pet my dog. I know he feels lonely too because of it… and it feels unfair to rob him of connection with others but … it’s feeling unbalanced.

I’m more self conscious than ever and really not feeling confident in us in a romantic sense. I’m up 40 pounds, I’m physically uncomfortable in this body. I’m breastfeeding around the clock and my boobs/nipples are a bit ‘off the table’ in terms of sex right now. I stink, I feel gross. I can’t compare with someone who is not postpartum. I’m barely able to take care of myself and I have not been wearing makeup or even really getting dressed. I feel like every day is a fight or flight struggle to keep a child alive and a house somewhat decent while also trying to make sure I do things like drink water.

We’ve had sex once in 2 months due to typical healing times and of course it was.. different and probably will be for a while. I know that he has needs, and that I’m not meeting them right now, and probably won’t be for a while.

We don’t get dates or alone time right now because of the baby and a lack of local supports. But he gets to have that special time with someone else now? I’d love to have dinner with just my husband:(

And I know all of this is preemptive, they’ve hung out twice now. It’s not like the world is ending.

I don’t think I can handle NRE right now. Him being super invested in anything other that his family feels really really unfair right now. As ive demonstrated, I have no time or space for myself. He already spends 1-3 hours a day most days at the gym for himself. He already has “me time” and he’s about to return to work.. I feel like I am ceasing to exist, being pulled into this child. I’m not mad about that, I know it’s my job right now. I love our baby..

I also worry about the inevitable comparisons that come with NRE. ‘With this person I have fun and everything is new and exciting— with my wife it’s all chores, budget, baby crying and dirty diapers’. Especially because she’s poly. We’re more monogamish than poly. I’m worried they’ll end up in love. I’m worried I’ll be left behind with the baby. We’re planning on me not returning to work and I’m really worried I’ll quit working and then lose his support.

With postpartum hormones I feel like I’ve been fighting with him more than usual too. Ugh.

I also don’t own him, I don’t feel it’s fair to just throw down the hammer and tell him he’s not allowed to pursue things with other people right now just because I feel self-conscious, overwhelmed and depressed. I’m worried I’m falling into a trap that is common in our relationship. Something like I want him to WANT to invest his time into us. I want him to want to spend time with me. I want him to want to be by my side during this difficult time and not waste second with anyone who’s not part of our family. I can hardly stand to be separated from the baby for an hour, I’m not me, I’m mom. Why doesn’t he feel the same? And that’s not fair of me to ask of him.. he isn’t not present, it’s been 2 dates. I don’t know why this feels so dire.

On the flip side, I love seeing how excited he is talking to/ about her, and other women he’s been talking to. I love our dynamic, and I love that he’s free to explore who he is with other people. I’m excited he’s excited, she seems like a neat lady, etc

I just usually have a sense that it’s us above all. No matter what he does with whoever, he comes home to me and that we ultimately have a super secure relationship. And right now I feel like a giant sweaty stinky mess covered in milk,- who isn’t sleeping and isn’t really available to be my best for him or for myself. I’m not prioritizing “us” I’m prioritizing keeping a baby alive.

We aren’t super secure right now, we aren’t having sex, we don’t sleep in the same room.. It’s hard to get the space required from the baby to even get a hug from him.

I tell him most days at least once “I miss you”. It’s no one’s fault, but it’s true I miss him, I miss us. And I’m worried this is making it worse.

I just don’t know what to do, I don’t want to change our dynamic. But this doesn’t feel good. But telling him what to do doesn’t feel good. I wish he just kind of wanted to pause stuff until life was normal again.

I’m babbling. I don’t have any one to talk to in real life about this so, blah, sorry.