Hi all.

So my partner and I started out poly/ENM and have gradually moved to being monogamous except for having threesomes. I have enjoyed parts of this as a bi woman (they have all been FFM) but have lately been feeling crippled with insecurity and jealousy to the point it almost feels like self-harm having the threesomes. Watching him get to excited by the other woman and having sex with them is just too agonising for me and it’s made worse by the fact his sex drive isn’t very high day to day but he can get super excited for three ways.

After a threesome last night I completely broke down. Shaking, crying, just feeling horrific. I shared that I was not coping and that I needed a break and potentially to put it on hold for a long while. He was not happy about it and I could see that. I said that I didn’t get why it was so important to him and why he wouldn’t be able to choose monogamy with me over threesomes with random women. He said he wanted to keep an element of ENM until we get married. I felt like my heart shattered. I didn’t know we were on such different pages. To me, the group sex is a fun add on that I can take or leave but for him, it’s become something he wants as often as possible and for the foreseeable future in order to feel happy. I asked if he feels trapped by the idea of monogamy and he didn’t answer. I should add that he was the one who moved us closer and closer to monogamy from day one. He used to hate when I dated other men to the point I couldn’t discuss them with him. Meanwhile, I knew everything about his other partner and made space for it. I just believed that this was a fun fantasy rather than something he felt was essential to his happiness in our connection.

I feel terrified right now. I’m terrified he will leave me for someone who wants full ENM or that he will stay but resent me for ruining his fun. It’s been too intense for me. Dates getting arranged every week whilst I’m trying to work and manage my day to day life and I’m completely and utterly spent. I can’t cope with it. This could be part of the issue but I also think it’s the fact he cannot give it up even in principle that is destroying me emotionally. For me, that’s the biggest no brainer in the world. Why would I risk our happiness over sex with random people? It’s just sex. The fact he wants to marry me and sees me in his future, plus wants emotionally monogamy with me just leaves me all confused. I want to disappear and not face anyone. Just switch my brain off. He has asked for time to process before we discuss it again but I just feel hellish. He said he feels imposed on by this, but I also feel imposed on by the current intensity of seeking thrills with women and watching him enjoy it so much. I just don’t know what to do or where to go from here. Is there a way to curb my jealousy and insecurity when I watch him enjoy the sex with someone else? Some of the images are burned into my mind in a way that feels so horrifically painful. Some of the images are erotic and great. I just feel lost and like I want to curl up and vanish :(