Recently, my partner of 1 year, Ben (30M), told me about a couple experiences he's had in the past with threesomes. Fine, happened before we met, sounded like fun, albeit "weird" experiences for him. The issue I had with it: we have been discussing having our own threesomes for months, have been talking to a woman who we'd met once and had invited over the next day (the messages we were exchanging that day were about safe sex/checking in/having space for an overnight if needed), and this was the first I had ever heard about him having had, not one, TWO different threesomes (FMF and MMF). I had been showing him positions I was researching to try and he mentioned, yeah I've been in that one before, like it had just slipped his mind for the 4 months we've been actively discussing and pursuing a threesome and that jolted the memory from him.

Something quirky and understandably problematic with my brain is the emotional value I put behind experiencing "firsts" with my partner. Finding out that not only will this not be his first threesome, but neither of the "traditional" threesome configurations would be a completely new experience for him emotionally shocked and devastated me. I've felt my trust that he is communicating with me transparently has been damaged for not knowing this information until so late into our discussions and plans for our own. It's left a bad feeling in my heart and negative thoughts in my mind around pursuing a threesome. I struggle with overthinking, anxiety, and dissociating so the energy of excitement and positivity I had been feeling about our new connection and sharing a brand new experience with him was really restraining those negative thoughts and making me feel comfortable/confident with the plan.

For the record - I want nonmonogamy and group sex for myself (not comfortable with exploring poly rn). This is something I want to overcome and feel comfortable with. He is not pressuring me and understands my trust is a little hurt and I need some time before I'm as "ready". My worry is my sexual inexperience, especially compared to my partners confidence, multiplied by these overwhelming feelings will guarantee that any future threesome will trigger intense dissociation and ruin that experience and the potential for future ones.

All that being said, anyone out here feel the same emotional weight behind sharing "first" experiences with your partner? How do you handle the feelings of disappointment and betrayal(?) after learning that an experience won't be a shared first? I don't think I'm experiencing a healthy amount of emotions to feel around this kind of news, so I'm looking for advice on how to minimize the impact and hold first experiences have on my emotional state/desire. I'm not looking for the novelty of a one off threesome with him, so why does it make me feel more uneasy and unwilling to do one now that I know its only my first and not his too? It's a first for him in other aspects, is that enough to recalibrate my brain towards finding that excitement again?