I and my bf (both in late 20s) have been having trouble sexually. We have been dating for almost a year now. I am asexual and he is gay.

I can tell he is sexually frustrated, because even though we both have high libido, I am not comfortable yet with penetrative sex. He suggested an open relationship to satisfy his needs, but I told him I wasn't comfortable with it. And he called me selfish and controlling, which really hurt me.

My previous relationship was also open, since it was long distance, and I would get bad bouts of jealousy whenever I learn my partner had sex with others. It was a factor in why I decided to break up with my ex.

My current bf and I eventually settled on a threesome, but just yesterday, we had an argument about it. I want him to understand that I see sex as intimate, that I may get jealous and need reassurance. I wanted empathy not criticism – I dont want to be called controlling just because I want to feel secure.

He says I dont trust him enough, I am controlling and selfish. That I dont understand his needs and that I'm policing his sexuality. And that it is surreal that we're arguing even though nothing has happened and threesome isn't a priority for him. At the end we called off any plans for open relationship or threesome.

I just at a loss for words. Am I the asshole? I feel like ENM is good for us, but I am having such a mental block with regards to it. And I feel like such a horrible person for limiting my bf's sex life. I want advice from people who feel positive about nonmonogamy.