Title is maybe a little clickbait-y and an oversimplification, but quickly captures how I feel.

M (“secondary” partner) and I broke up primarily over unrelated reasons (he kept standing me up on dates w/o communication) but as we talked thru the breakup, I realized there was an underlying issue where he felt he could never really lean into our relationship because he always felt that A (nesting partner) would take priority.

He was not entirely wrong. A was very insecure about my relationship with M, so I was constantly doing affirmation work with A that took time and attention and freedom away from my relationship with M. M and I catered largely to A’s feelings and slowed our relationship way down to fit A’s needs.

For context, A and I have been together for 6 years. I was polyam but open to mono, and he was the inverse. We have been largely operating in a monogamish dynamic (because of life) but I have kept LDRs throughout As and my relationship.

I am sad and grieving what could have been if A was polyamorous or at least more secure. M was also new to polyam but it fit his personality well, and he made an effort to be a good meta. A simply shut down and was unable to reciprocate that energy.

I realize a lot of this is due to poor/shortsighted choices on my part but I simply didn’t know what I didn’t know when I started this journey with A and M.

Don’t really have a point here, just feeling sad and lost and stupid and I’m grieving that non-hierarchical, KTP/garden party polyam dream.