my bf and I are monogamous, two nights ago I had a threesome with my friend ive known since I was 13 and my boyfriend/ father of my child. When she came over there was no plans for having sex. We joked about it because we are all sexually a bit wild and then she and I made rules. My bf is a Dom, and she is also a Dom, we talked about how they would dom me together. She said she didn’t have any condoms, and also didn’t want to have penetrative sex with my bf. I said I also dont feel comfortable with that and we told him and everything was ok. We start having said threesome and I feel like a lot of his attention is on her. He gave us both bottles of wine to drink beforehand because he likes me to be intoxicated as part of our shared kink. After a while, he starts fingering her, im touching myself. Everything is fine. And then he lays her down after 3 mins or so of fingering and they both look at me. His penis at her vagina and ask if they can have sex. I felt so put on the spot I just went along with it like an idiot. I sat there crying watching him fuck her for what felt like 5 minutes but was probably more like 2. I felt sick, anxious and angry. i did my best to handle myself and went to bed told them I felt anxious and overwhelmed. I couldn’t sleep, so came out and told friend she had to leave. My boyfriend told me that while I was in the bedroom, she made several attempts to continue without me. 

Ive talked to my boyfriend countless times in the past about personal insecurities, specifically around this friend. Even as specific as saying I wouldn’t ever have a threesome with her, because it made me feel uncomfortable. I’ve told him a lot of times If he ever had sex with her it would break my heart. I feel like an idiot (obviously). 

Even more so because when I freaked out. My boyfriend wasn’t supportive of me, rather apologetic to her. When I asked her to leave, he argued against her leaving. 

I told him that I feel betrayed, violated and disgusting, and he is apologetic. He says he assumed the situation had naturally progressed and that the rules were no longer in place. i feel hurt by that. 

Today I read their messages, because I know my bf, and I knew he would’ve told her a different story. she says she is feeling guilty, and that she thinks they might have fucked up. He told her that they shouldn’t feel bad, they didn’t do anything wrong. And that it just progressed like that naturally. she says to him hes right, that im overreacting, I shouldn’t have drunk as much as I did. And that she doesn’t have time for me if I cant be straight up with her (I deleted my socials mid panic). they say they had fun. I have never ever felt so horrible before in my entire life. I know that im an idiot for letting this happen, I just really needed to write this down. 

He says im just hurting myself by getting into it more. hes trying to move past it, it was a day ago. We had sex last night and I just felt miserable. I feel completely utterly screwed. I dont know what to do, I dont have any other friends or family. My head is gonna explode lol.