Hi everyone!

I (43f) have been with my boyfriend (50m) for 10 months and I wanted to share where I am as I am new to being in an open relationship. I’ve been monogamous my entire life. Then I met and started dating my ENM boyfriend, who is an amazing man.  I met him online and his profile did indicate he was ENM. Three weeks in we had a serious talk, he told me he loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. But later that night he told me he’d also remain non-monogamous. I was pretty hurt and ready to physically walk out as this was not the type of relationship I wanted. But I stayed and we kept building this very healthy relationship otherwise. But I always had this issue in the back of my head not knowing what to do, until recently.

For months I wasn’t sure how I’d be when he wanted to date other people. He wanted me to listen to podcasts, read, etc. Which I did and still do. I was getting mad at them almost however. As if I had to listen to these people. My best friend is in what I consider to be a very healthy open marriage. I have quite a few friends that practice ENM, some healthy some not. But not healthy I mean being deceptive, emotionally ill prepared, things I could see from an outside perspective and unfair and full of drama. But with that said it has all been a learning experience. I did briefly get involved with a poly friend in 2017 but ended it for my own mental health.

But here is the thing, people can be fluid. So why can’t I? Living with a closed mind and heart is sad.

Overall I can see the benefits of ENM. I had spent a lot of time on myself from 2017 to current date figuring out what I wanted in a sense of a relationship. I did stay single and celibate for 5 years (by choice and COVID times) and really found I enjoy my own company and I am content on my own. But I did want someone special in my life. So I got on the dating apps. It was pretty bad. It never gets better as you age, haha.  I was really about to quit it all again and go to therapy to better myself before trying again. I just don’t have the patience for bad men/partners and didn’t want to settle and I like being alone and not frustrated by my choices in dating. But as I was doom scrolling an app one last time, in came a super like from my current boyfriend. I said hi to him knowing I saw ENM and open to exploring on his profile. I don’t know why I thought open to exploring would mean he would be okay with a monogamous relationship but I quickly learned I was letting my brain read into something.

I kept seeing this man. He’s pretty amazing to me and I am to him. We have a great bond. And both are great communicators. We are solid. We both knew what was good for us. We have experience (see middle aged, lol) enough to know that life is great with the unexpected and to not tolerate bad behavior or to walk away from what doesn’t serve us in a healthy and happy way.

So about two months ago, the discussion came up again of him dating. I basically told him I didn’t know how I felt and I was waiting for the shoe to drop and I might just bail if I can’t handle that. This hurt him of course and he left my house immediately. We talked the next morning, very carefully and thoroughly understanding each other’s perspectives. We do love each other so much, we have a great bond and connection. And knowing folks who have a great ENM life I know what to expect. It wasn’t a surprise and new to me.

I made the commitment to him to allow him to continue dating other people. I am also open to it, but I am also not in a rush to date other men. Nor do I have the current mental bandwidth for it. But I know he does and how he operates. He has been nothing but supportive and helped me understand how it all works for him.

We have set some initial boundaries. We have to be very open to communication.

A few weeks ago he met a woman organically. He came to me the same day and told me about her. He was nervous of my reaction. But really the best feeling was knowing he was being so open and up front with me. That meant a lot. I know he has texted her a few times, but no dates set yet. She is also ENM and currently married. They are taking it slow. I appreciate this.

I have also started therapy a month ago with a focus on navigating this type of relationship (as well as a few other personal things). I’ve been wanting to go to therapy for a while to deal with childhood trauma and get tested for ADHD. So going now is nothing but beneficial. I have found a great therapist that I can share my variety of feelings with.

So here are my feelings…

I am in an open relationship but I don’t feel a need to date another man. However, I am feeling a freedom and relief that I can have male friends and it won’t be a problem (it had been in previous mono relationships). Being friends with men, women, and everyone in between is a great thing for me. Even if I have tendency to be a loner.

I do tend to waver on if this is what I want or not. But I absolutely love my boyfriend. He’s been nothing but great for my self-esteem, loves me so much, and overall is an amazing person. He’s very well adjusted. Which is so nice. I do try to focus on the great things from this. And what I mean by that is through life, you get thrown some curve balls and have your mind completely expanded and eyes opened. So I am not closed off completely. I am focusing on the positive. He can go and do what makes him happy. I can do the same, even if that is just a solo hike or something I like to do solo. Or even if I meet someone else. I’m open to it. But I do also grieve a little of what I initially wanted. This is just something I am working on and consciously making the choice to remain in this relationship and see where it goes.

When it comes to sex, this may be exciting. My boyfriend and I mesh well there and have our own kinks that are fun. He is taking me to a sex club in a few weeks so I can see him flirt with others and vice versa and just be open (I asked for this). I think it will be a good time and a good way for me to step into this more.

I do have a boundary of making sure we are testing with each new partner and seeing the results in person. I say this as someone who was engaged to someone who did not test with other partners and gave me an incurable STD. I also didn’t know about the other partners. Yes, a cheater. It was a long time ago but still greatly affects me. So my current relationship having clear and up front communication and clarification always allows for a positive interaction.

We talked about how I don’t care to meet her right now. Maybe in the future, but now I don’t care to. Boyfriend has been supportive and has me at top of mind when it comes to this. He agrees. I don’t necessarily want a parallel type of relationship, nor do I plan on kitchen table right now. That’s just too much for my sensitive little heart and mind. But secrets or pretending others don’t exist isn’t cool to me. I like honestly and openness. I want my partner to be absolutely happy and I want him to share that. Just as I share with him what makes me happy. And as I learn the terms, I have had a little compersion for him. So that is also a great thing.

So while this is all new to me on a personal level, I am here for the ride with this man. Here to build something great with my boyfriend and expand my heart and mind. That is the mindset I try to go with. I envy the life he has made for himself personally. He’s a well adjusted and happy person. And that has a lot to do with him being himself completely. And after 2020 I lost a lot of friends and family because I don’t tolerate hate (you can guess where I land politically). I lost two of my main guy friends and that is sad. But I am excited to rebuild life into something new and amazing.

I have been watching this page, plus some others for a while to get some insight and others experience.

I want that small feeling of wanting monogamy only to go away. I want to continue my relationship with my boyfriend because he has made such a positive impact on my life. And I know I have a positive impact on his life.

I am hopeful. He is very proud of me and the work I am putting into myself to better myself. He’s done a lot already. We have life experience. I think this is a great thing we have. I am hopeful we can make it work for us to continue this adventure.

I want him to be happy. I am concerned of envy/jealousy. How have others managed this? I have fears of course. But I don’t want those to hinder something great.

Apologies for the long post.

I am constantly wanting other’s input on their thoughts and experiences. So I welcome any here.