I know it's an occupational hazard of NM/poly folks - and an occupational hazard of being a woman with guy friends regardless of being mono or NM. But it's the first time I've ever had a male friend act this entitled to my face and act like (as much I hate how overused this term is) an incel, and I'm feeling pretty gross about it.

I was friends with this guy, Red, for about a year when we both fell into the same friend group and everyone really clicked. I'm also close with another friend from this circle, Blue, who is poly, and we have enthusiastically slept together a few times but agreed not to share this with our mutual friends.

Since Red and I live in the same city, we started hanging out more often. We have similar struggles with our mental health which we often discussed. I sometimes brought up issues I was having with NM relationships because it intersected with my mental health issues - I also optimistically assumed that since we are all in our late 20's/early 30's, that we were too old for games, so I talked to Red as a friend because I trusted him, not for some "girl cries to a guy about another guy" bit. He is the only person I told about my relationship with Blue (which I did before we agreed to not tell anyone, and I did it because I was feeling very anxious and vulnerable at the time).

This month, the friend group met up at a festival and had a little celebration to mark a year since our posse formed. Me and Red decided to travel together since we'd be flying in and out of the same airport. At various points during the weekend he did me some solid favors like making sure I got invited to after-parties, getting me merch, and ordering us food. There were some weird things I didn't notice until hindsight, like Red constantly asking me for details of where I was going/what I was doing all weekend and with whom. I didn't realize at the time he was making me uncomfortable so I just chalked it up to me being cranky from the travelling and gave him straightforward answers without promising anything.

When we got home, Red decided to join me in the taxi from the airport "just to make sure you get home safe and then I'll go home from there" despite my home actually being out of the way for him. My partner greeted me when I got in and before Red left, I apologized to him for being moody and blunt over the weekend. This is when his mask slipped because he said "Well actually, we should talk later " and claimed to be "concerned" about how I was acting because I didn't make more time for him or be nicer in light of the favours he did for me. It set off about a hundred red flags at once and I immediately noticed he was pulling out the typical "nice guy" playbook and using fake therapy speak to make himself sound more rational. My partner also picked up on it and told him to leave. When I looked at my PayPal later I noticed Red sent me money for the cost of the taxi.

I asked both my partner and Blue for their perspective, and they both eerily said the same thing: they felt like Red dismissed them in social settings and only seemed to acknowledge me and acted cagey and dismissive to others, especially them and other men generally. Luckily Blue isn't upset that I confided in Red about us, because I did it in good faith as a friend before we decided to be more low-key. But, I still feel uncomfortable that someone I trusted and cared about used that knowledge to his advantage.

I don't really know what to do, just kind of venting ahd looking for emotional support or gentle advice. I'm not under any illusions about how guys can be, but I thought people our age were old enough to know better.

TLDR: I confided in a close friend about some of my mental health issues, including challenges I dealt with in non-monogamy. This friend became one of my challenges because he pulled out "nice guy" logic and assumed he was entitled to get with me. Both my partner and my best guy friend (sometimes with benefits) say they noticed the signs and I kinda wish they'd warned me earlier. I just feel shitty now.