My (30M) and my partner (28F) recently opened up the relationship mainly so when we are far away and not together. We didn't talk to much about rules and just said let's not let this affect the relationship and go from there.
She had her first lover when I was away for work and I got super super JEALOUS and even was super rude after because I felt so less cared for while she was arranging it.
I apologised and we decided to continue with it but talk more about what bothers us. I also said I was really jealous of this particular person because he brings so many insecurities but if she wants she can go see him again.
We talked about it and I asked if she could NOT sleep at his place because that creates more insecurities and I feel like could bring them too close for me to be comfortable.
She flipped put saying she already planned on staying there tonight and I am changing the rules of the game just to create drama. I really just don't want to lose her and for me it's very different to go our with someone, have sex, and come home. Creates separation and I always did it when I didn't want me or the other person to catch feelings. It's cold I know but it is what differentiates in my head a casual fuck from a romantic relationship.
Am I being unreasonable? Is it that hard to just not sleep there to make me a bit more comfortable? Can I even ask to have these boundaries?
Thanks guys!
You can ask. She can say no.
Are you meaning to ask if there is a way to make her say yes. Thats a different question.
I think both of you are being unreasonable in how you speak to each other. But neither your request nor her no were unreasonable.
The question is what's next after she said no?
Can I even ask to have these boundaries?
Boundaries are for you;
- I won't have a discussion if someone yells; I will leave the room
- I won't date an addict; I will end the relationship
- I won't agree to monogamy; If someone asks, I will say no.
- I won't date someone who is having sex with this guy; I'll break up with them if they do
But you have to enforce it when she declines to honor that boundary. So you can break up with her to enforce it? Is that what you want?
Requests vs. Desires vs. Agreements https://www.reddit.com/u/henri_luvs_brunch_2/s/oRjXFuYPTp
"All you have to do is whatever I want all the time no matter what you want or else you are selfish"
Um......friend, you are allowed to be hurt. But this a bit off. Have you talked to a therapist? Maybe this relationship isn't right for you. But maybe you can also benefit from some coping skills that help you take more responsibility for your emotions instead of expecting to be accommodated by others to the point of never experience negative emotions.
An adult has better emotional intelligence than a kid and knows how not to hurt someone. Feels very selfish
Sometimes autonomous adult people make decisions about their own bodies and lives that hurt other people's feelings. Thats not low emotional intelligence. No one is owed another person always doing whatever it takes not to hurt feeling regardless of their wants, needs, or desires. Thats messed up.
I don't really agree 🤷♂️
If you have an independent relationship with another human being and are doing an autonomous thing? Sure, I think privacy is implied. But if I'm off banging another guy's wife for casual, I'm going in assuming that her spouse is going to be debriefed to some extent, and don't really care if they discuss what happened. From my mind, it's no different than sharing details of a sexual encounter with a friend, and that shit happens all the time.
Yep. I think it's just poly-people who would prefer that everyone adopt their paradigm which states all relationships must be treated as equally as possible.
Sorry, but I just don't roll like that. My spouse gets proscriptive consideration over casual partners every single time. Once that other person marries me and has a house and children with me, they can expect equal consideration.
While technically correct, I think most people with even a lick of common sense are likely to surmise that husband and wife are likely to share details. Especially since this doesn't appear to be specifically poly, I don't think it's realistic for anyone to assume some information isn't going to be shared with the spouse of the person you're fucking.
But having done so, I think OP can see why that can be a bad idea, if only because you inevitably start comparing.
Well. She said no. What do you advise OP do now?
You've every right to ask that your partner not sleep over at that person's house, but they may not agree. At that point, you need to either make more efforts to compromise or end the relationship.
Neither one of you seems to be having a deep conversation about it, though -- hard to bridge the gap between you two if your position is "don't do this ever" and her response is basically "get fucked, deal with it yourself."
I think it's massively different. I can walk down any street and have internal fantasies about all the women I see, and it doesn't affect their day at all. The contrast with showing literal nudes of those people to others is night-and-day. But people can agree to disagree.
I agree that sharing intimate videos or photos of the other person without their consent is not OK -- not only is it a serious invasion of privacy, but it's against the law in many jurisdictions. Wouldn't ever do that without permission.
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No. It does not make sense to treat an adult like a child.
I know that she hurt by not agreeing to this. But trying to immediately dictate her partners is a recipe for failure.
How long have you been together?