My husband talked for months about opening our marriage. It was my idea but eventually he came around to it and we both agreed it would be a fun “escape” for both of us. We set some boundaries and we talked A LOT.

I (a woman) was able to find a partner rather quickly and of course he was not. He had discussed it with an acquaintance of his and she politely said not interested and since that happened he basically wants to call everything off. He doesn’t want to do apps (we also live in a remote area so options are limited)

I had one night out (three hours) and then he decided he didn’t want to do it anymore. This was fine we said if either wanted it to stop we would. However I feel almost cheated out of this fun experience. I loved it. I loved being out there with another man and experiencing that new connection and feeling. We talked about how it could just be his rejection and jealousy since he also wasn’t doing it. We both agreed this is part of the reason but he’s sticking to the fact he just changed his mind (this is also fine)

However he told me I have to keep doing it because he thinks I need it to feel better about myself. Admittedly of course it gives me confidence etc but I told him I don’t need to continue. He pushed me to go a second time and I enjoyed it even more.

Our marriage has basically imploded. We are so strong and solid I’m shocked.

I’ve also realized though this is more than fun. When we started talking about this our sex life reignited after YEARS. It’s been tough because he cheated for years early on in our relationship and I lost that “spark” with him and have never been able to get it back even though I love him and we’ve always had sex. Bringing this into our lives brought some of that back but not all. On another deeper note. I’ve realized this is very healing for me. Being sexually abused as a child caused a lot of confusing and hard feelings towards sex my entire life. I finally feel like with this I have some choice and control and I feel like I’m getting a part of my soul back (as dumb as this sounds). It feels healing and freeing and I can’t fully explain all of that but I plan to talk to my psychologist about this.

I just don’t know where to go. We’ve talked and cried and he’s heartbroken over this because though I say I’ll stop he really even more thinks I need to do this for my own healing but I told him it’s not worth risking my marriage.

What do I do here? He’s so hurt and I just wish I never started this but also I’m glad I have for how it’s making me feel