My gf (27N/B) and I (28M) have been dating for about two months now. I expressed early on my desire to see them with someone else.

I haven’t been jealous lately and I’ve been feeling like I’m not getting the feeling I want from my partners activities. I want to feel jealous. On some level I want to be angry. I want to feel less than the other guys. I want my partner to giggle and laugh over the phone with them while I’m near by. I want to be ignored basically. To have my partner say things about them that they wouldn’t say about me. Luckily my partner has been really good with aftercare and has pointed out to me they think I have a cheating fantasy. Where I want them to do stuff that would be right on the line between non-monogamy and cheating.

What do I do? See a therapist? Keep exploring this kink? Why am I not as satisfied as I think I should be?

Surely this is unhealthy?

My partner has been seeing this man who we recently had over at my place. They fucked on my bed. My partner kicked me out of the room so I could only hear everything. I didn’t go crazy or get mad. I didn’t feel less than. I didn’t feel like crying. I didn’t feel anything wild. The guy was even pretty chill.

This morning my gf and I drove to a dudes house and she blew him and ate his ass while I waited outside in the car. I watched the videos after. Nothing. I was more annoyed by the wait time than the sex.

I guess I want my partner to cheat without permission? I want them to cancel plans with me and tell me it’s bc they’re busy with another guy. I want to feel like I’m losing them. Why?

Why? Do I really want this lifestyle?

TLDR: non-monogamy or do I just want to get cheated on?