I (m28) it off with a new partner (m31) recently. The last couple months have been magical. The connection has blown us away in ways neither of us expected. We have both articulated interest in ENM. Both of us exited long term relationships over the last year when our sexual expression was met by shame. His last relationship was non-monogamous. Mine was not until the very end when I realized it was something important to me. So he's more experienced in the area.

Advanced context, as gay men, we are both ok Prep and taking DoxyPep after sexual encounters. Condoms are generally laughable in our city for the men who have sex with men (MSM) community. As part of taking prep, we are both getting STI panel tests every 3 months.

Both of us have been very comfortable discussing ongoing sexual encounters we have had with other people. Sharing details about the fun times. Talking about having threesomes together and so on. Recently, this partner articulated that he wanted to start regularly attending "sex parties". At this point, I felt some discomfort. Having sex with a handful of recurring partners over a week or month is one level of risk. But to have shared orgies with 8 strangers in one night seems like a whole different level. When I asked that maybe he get tested between each party and when we have sex next, this partner insisted I was being shameful, ignorant, and controlling. That if my very demeanor around him changed after he had what I would consider a "high risk" sexual encounter, I would be treating him as a deviant.

My STI experiences so far have been dealing with Gonorrhea that we once both contracted (I recently learned came from a sex party he attended shortly before we met). And a while back I had an antibiotic resistant strain of MGen that required a painful week of very intense antibiotics after weeks of unsuccessful lesser antibiotics. The Gonorrhea was truly no big deal, I contacted past partners since my last test, I got a shot, and refrained from sex for a week or so. But I carry some trauma about how painful the antibiotic strain was for my mental health.

As he's been more sexually active in this community, he attributes my worries to a lack of experience. He insists all participants are "professional sluts" who take the proper medications and testing to mitigate risk. He insists everyone in the gay community who shares libidos as high as ours is engaging in these sorts of sex parties on some sort of basis. I just don't know. I was in a monogamous relationship for most of my adult life.

Anyways, I feel like I'm at an impasse. It's clear that if I take any steps to try and shame or hold back his self-expression, it would be a deal breaker. How have some of you more experienced folks managed through differing risk tolerances?