Hey I’m F21 (Bisexual and experiences both romantic and sexual attraction just for clarity) and currently seeing three people in a non romantic way. By this I mean we’re exploring sexuality and sexual desires together and have friendly relationships but so far mostly spend time together for sexual purposes. They’re all very new too so trying to set them up well with good communication.
I find my self to be non monogamous naturally in a way and I don’t want to describe myself and my relationships in the same way a lot of younger monogamous people do (aka hookups, dating around, in situationships) because it feels like a cop out of the ethics involved with seeing multiple people “casually”?
I’ll describe them with pseudonyms: Alex is NB20 whom I’ve known for just over a month, Jazz is F23 whom I’ve known for a couple of weeks and Tom who is M22 whom I have known for over a year but have been seeing only recently again (we had a brief sexual relationship similar to what I’ve described above around a year ago and have spoken as friends on and off since then).
They all know I’m seeing other people to varying degrees. Alex and I have discussed a bit more as they were a little more apprehensive about not being monogamous. So Alex knows some details about the other two and we’re more actively exploring/learning about what it means to be non-monogamous. They have been on a couple of dates with other people. We talk more consistently that I do with the others but they’re currently living further from me so we’re not able to see each other in person for a couple of months. Tom knows I’m seeing a couple of other people but not any more than that, mostly because it’s still a new dynamic and we need to discuss if this will be routine. I’ve been introducing the idea of non monogamy and polyamory to him but he’s not likely to want to pursue it past me I don’t believe. He’s not currently seeing anyone else actively. Jazz is familiar with ideas of non monogamy and I believe is seeing other people (I need to clarify this with her) and also knows I am seeing other people but no more than that. I plan to chat to her a bit more about this.
I’m wondering if anyone has any advice for keeping these relationships from relationship escalatoring and avoiding hierarchy as i am weary this may be happening with Alex. Alex and I have filled in a relationship anarchy smorgasbord which has laid out some of our boundaries a bit better. However I feel myself people pleasing a bit on mine just in terms of amount of time I see them and message/call them as I would prefer less.
I think I’m in favour of parallel polyamory for now? But I will say I’m not sure I’m using all the terms in the correct way. Additionally I’m not looking to have any romantic partners for the foreseeable future however I understand some emotional connection may be formed. Any tips for working with this is welcomed.
If you see anything else sticking out please also let me know of that. I appreciate these relationships have all formed all around the same time so I’m probably taking on a lot for someone new to non-monogamy and frankly dating in general.
Anyways thank you!
You can't avoid hierarchy. It happens. Its not bad.
I think what sprung to mind at the idea of hierarchy is veto power and maybe cancelling plans with one person to make plans with another without much care
Cancelling plans like that is just rude. Veto power is a bad idea. But honestly, if it came down to it and my life partner was super put out by someone new I was dating, I'd choose his feelings and our life partnership. I can't imagine that happening, but people do sometimes make that choice. But needing approval from partner for friends or other partner as a matter if course is just really impractical.
Subreddit
Post Details
- Posted
- 3 months ago
- Reddit URL
- View post on reddit.com
- External URL
- reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy...
Hierarchy is just fine
The idea that hierarchy is bad or evil is a holdover from monogamy that simply doesn't apply in polyamory. Its mono thinking applied to poly relationships. It's illogical.
In mono culture, it's widely accepted and expected that your romantic partner is the most committed and most important relationship in your life. I'm not saying all people feel or behave this way, but arrangements that are different from this are instantly recognized as outside the norm. People are expected to put the partner/spouse first in all things and prioritize them over friends, even family and adult children (the only exception is raising minor children should be more important). I'm not saying that's right or wrong (with the exception of prioritizing young children - that's correct). I'm just saying it's common.
Outside of romantic relationships, monogamous culture takes no issue with hierarchy. No one takes issue with anyone making different commitments to friends, acquaintances, and coworkers.
No one thinks its evil to spend more time with one friend than the other. Or to agree to babysit at the drop of the hat for one friend, but not all friends. Or agree to care for one friends children if they die, but not agree to do that for all friends. No one takes issue with someone who is willing to let one friend live with them for a bit while between housing, but not being willing to do this for all friends.
You can't always put ALL partners first. Or have cookie cutter replica relationships with the exact same amount of commitment. It's monogamous thinking that not putting a romantic partner above everyone else is wrong or harmful. It doesn't work in non-monogamy.
All relationships are different and unique. That's not evil. It just is.
You already have hierarchy in your relationships. You will probably prioritize your longterm friend of 20 years over someone you have known a few weeks. You will probably prioritize your mom over lots of people. You already have priorities in all your relationships.