Respectfully: you're in denial, OP.

Clearly it was a mistake to get married so early, especially since you had serious doubts about his sexual orientation. In a world where your husband isn't attracted to you, and you crave physical intimacy with a monogamous partner, you do not work well together 🤷‍♂️

Like.........aside from magically changing your own worldview to its polar opposite, what's your long-term plan with this guy?

You need to get a reality check, OP.

Best of luck to you.

You shouldn't be forced into non-monogamy. I know you don't want to nuke your family. In fairness he did. I hope you get a therapist that is versed in non-monogamy issues.

https://www.kapprofessionals.org/business-directory-2/

Kind of wild that this take is getting downvoted.

Like.........her husband unilaterally changed the terms of her monogamous marriage and is no longer attracted to her sexually. No sane human being would remain in a situation that makes them so unhappy.

You should definitely talk to a therapist. Even if he can't "afford" one. If he can afford to go on a date with a guy - he can afford 100 bucks for therapy per session. Dating is expensive.

Seriously, y'all should both talk to kink aware, lgbtq friendly, therapists. You are going to need solid help and guidance from people whose job it is to help you deal with everything.

Then you are stuck in an untenable position. Don't blame you for not wanting to leave. You need to have legal protections drawn up before he starts this course of action. Tell him the high divorce rate isn't something you want to gamble with. Tell him that if he wants to do this, he needs legally binding assurances that he'll keep providing for you and all the kids.

Not an unreasonable ask. Have a lawyer actually draw up the agreement. Get it notarized.

I post quite a bit in other subreddits and I have always been an advocate for testing. Doesn't matter if you are male or female. Hotwives in particular should be demanding tests and safe sex practices. But many don't... and that's on them.

People in general don't post about mitigating STI risks. That messes with the fappable fantasy world of everything.

Here is my point... If you are non-monogamous and are poly, you need to be up front and honest from the very beginning with people. Definitely before you get married or have kids together.

In this case he did NUKE it... because it was basically "I'm gonna do this anyway, so..." It's a forced poly situation after they had a child together (the youngest). She cant' afford to live on her own or break up the family. So in this case she's being FORCED to be poly against her will. That's not very nice. It's toxic and manipulative.

Bring up poly is not to be demonized. My own wife is a cuckquean. She wanted me to have relationships with other women while she is monogamous. It almost ended our marriage. I was hurt and felt absolutely discarded and betrayed. People should understand that poly and ENM all carry a heavy stigma. I have a wife and a girlfriend. Been going on for years. So I hope you aren't taking the nuke comment as "nonmonogamy=bad".

My point remains... "If you know you are GAY, BI, POLY, ENM, or ANYTHING else that someone would need to know to give their fully informed consent... DO NOT withhold that information." Informed consent is important.... especially in marriage. Changing the rules mid stream and forcing someone to accept them because they are at their worst disadvantage? Heinous and reprehensible.

I always like to say "What would you pay to KNOW you did everything you could to guarantee the success of your marriage? Therapy is WAY cheaper than divorce."

Couldn't agree more. Too many people are of the mind that they used a condom for PIV or anal as though it's Jedi forcefield against all STIs. Testing and seeing your partners test is the best way to manage risks. For couples I would recommend alternating getting tested every 4-8 weeks depending on rush factors and comfort and activity. So on average one of the 2 of you has a test 6 weeks old or less.

Sex @ dawn there are lots of books and podcasts out there. Show it down to a speed you're both comfortable with. And as others suggested some therapy (online you can find some more affordable therapy resources) and switch therapists if they're not ENM/bi knowledgeable or otherwise aren't a good fit.

You seem to have gone through a lot. Definitely try working together to make each other happy and help strengthen the relationship it may or may not work to keep you together, but as someone else pointed out divorce/separate households isn't cheap. If you spend the time working on yourself, he works on himself, you understand ENM better, you try different things and all of it makes you unhappy at that point know you tried and you're still young and have so much ahead of you & it's okay to try and fail sometimes.

You don't need to give another partner everything they want. You communicate this is what I'm willing to offer & they can accept it or decline. Many people are looking for ENM partners that are FWB or otherwise casual.

Jesus Christ just admit male on male love makes you repulsed. Like in an age of prep, testing from home & condoms & more- all men who sleep with men are risky (according to you). The whole putting you at risk line when you states he hasn't slept with anyone else as of yet just reeks of homophobic hangups.

Most of the rest of your post makes sense but the idea that people who come out to their spouse are hiding it all along and can't be trusted to wear condoms is just silly nonsense.

He's made it clear he's doing this... so she's stuck with it. So she's forced into it.

I think OP posted that only one of the kids is his, the rest are from a previous marriage. Whatever his orientation, it's not for me or anyone else to guess at. He said he's gay, I'll take him at that without requiring receipts.

Agreed on this, only I think it's important to note that men in the gay community have far more hookups than their cis-het counterparts. On the HSV risk... she's monogamous, he's fucking a guy who more than likely has multiple liaisons. The risk is way higher for a monogamous wife with a promiscuous husband and that is going to be the case with her situation. My wife is a dermatologist and treats HSV 1/2 regularly... as in she almost always sees at least 1 patient with a new case of it. The HSV 2 is prevalent.

Disease is a risk and she needs to be very careful of what she is willing to accept as a risk.

I do try to offer practical reality based options.

Have you ever been with someone longer than 3 years and still not found anyone else attractive? The whole eyes for only one person just sounds like a myth asexual & divorce attorneys came up with 😂 😂 😂 It's 💯 fine if you aren't comfortable having a romantic connection​ with more than one person. Majority of people feel this way, but it's not innate in everyone, it's very much social conditioning. Your husband doesn't feel that way, nor do other ENM folk. Doesn't mean I'm not crazy about my partner. I never get tired of hearing the sound of their voice, sex with them, general intimacy with them. Hell we've worked together and lived together around the clock for years & I'm more into them each week more than I was the last. We still look at & fuck & share some level of intimacy with others.

That does tend to help. Also working on insecurities & perspectives outside and inside ENM helps. An example by what I mean on working on perspectives is "why am I not enough" is simultaneously placing blame on them & you. It has a very "I'm less than connotation" as though any one person could be enough for someone who is ENM or monogamous. Even if you're definitely monogamous, do you not share close bonds with friends, family, your children? A better perspective is that he wants this and it isn't a referendum on you and your worth.

So even if ENM doesn't work out for you and the marriage doesn't work. You won't tie all your self-worth to the opinion of a single lover.

They won't. You outline what you want and are comfortable with & those who align with those wants will connect with you. If you or their wants change to oppose each other the friendship, situation ship, etc ends. The people who misrepresent themselves are fewer than in the vanilla world, but still around, but I've only had it be people pretend they want casual to serious and actually just want a hook-up.

That's a generality & not always true, but years of doing this & talking to other friends in ENM that is the general consensus.

Before you opened things up, did you read books or listen to podcasts & read forums & posts on non-monogomy?

It would help you have a better plan and boundaries to try to make it more successful, & it would help you see other perspectives on love. Sex @ dawn is a fascinating book to highlight that monogamy & non monogamous societies both exist & for 250,000 or more years non-monogomy it's likely was the default. Social conditioning can lead people to or away from non-monogomy. Now that doesn't mean you'll be able to transition happily to ENM, but it's a 💯 not impossible you won't in time either. Lots of swingers I've met transitioned from 20 years of monogamy together to years of swinging and ENM. The key for them was gradually transitioning & working through their hangups. And figuring out what dynamic works for them (and that 2 will shift in different directions over time for many). The most common trend I've seen from people who are long-time ENM couples that went from monogamy to ENM is they started with lots of communication, often leading to role playing or dirty talk & eventually it as a group activity, something they shared. You have to go the speed of the slowest partner. You have to communicate really well with each other, even when very uncomfortable.

You need to communicate with your partner & work together to try to make it work for both of you.