My gf (26F) and I (27F) have opened our relationship about 2 months ago. We are long distance and saw this as a way to fulfill physical needs as well as explore things. We had talked about this idea for 6 months before moving forward.We are communicating a lot and have rules in place and we both felt very good about it.

I had my first one night stand with a guy and we worked through that together. There was no penetration but definitely some orgasms. She had a difficult night on the day of and her reaction was some tears and being worried about my safety. Afterwards she wanted a lot of physical touch and words of affirmation, and while I couldn't give physical touch because of the distance, we had a lot of quality time and she ended up feeling much better after. My experience was great, it made me feel closer to her and we thought maybe if she was on the other side it would help her feel better about things as well. I wanted her to feel the same positive aspects I had felt. Pretty soon after she was excited about being open again and started trying to plan something.

Just two nights ago she had her first hook up with a guy. There was penetration and again many orgasms, she had a good time and the guy was respectful. I went in thinking I was going to be cool and collected or maybe have a similar reaction where I wanted words of affirmation after, but my experience ended up being different from both of those. I have a sickness inside me and a strong disgust. Thinking about it I realized this feeling is similar to when I was sexually assaulted. I didn't want physical touch, I wanted to avoid seeing her actually as we had planned I would fly to meet with her in person after, and yet I had a hard time kissing her.

The issue is not her obviously. I don't know where this can stem from, maybe my own past sexual trauma and distrust for men. But I felt totally fine when I was the one hooking up so I am confused. It's like I'm reacting in a way that she was violated or somehow I was violated by her, and neither is true. I was originally thinking the sooner she sees someone the sooner we can both share that closeness we felt after my experience.

Does anyone have a similar experience. Do you know what the cause was for you or how you felt better about things? Is it just time? I feel sick like I want to crawl out of my skin sometimes, it's very uncomfortable and I don't want to feel that way. I was optimistic about this bringing us closer and otherwise have been happy during this experience (we sexted someone in a group and we both loved that it was super fun, we kept each other updated on our apps and messaging people, my hook up going so well, ect).

This blows. She knows and sees my reaction and is being supportive. How can I get over this? Ideas for cause?

EDIT: My emotional connection with her feels very secure. It's not a jealousy I feel, and instead a disgust and sickness. Didn't even think that was an option.

EDIT: adding a TLDR:: I am feeling disgusted after my partner has her first one night stand. Not expected, how to cope and move on.