I'm a 38 (M) in a relationship with a 42(F). We have been together for 8 going on 9 years. We had an agreement where we could have sex with other people but there wasn't any overnight stays.
We each both had our separate person we would meetup with randomly to have sex. These people were our friends and we spoke to them and explained our relationship and they were okay with the arrangement.
Usually we only hang out with our respective friends and that's it. So the hookups were kinda sparse to be honest. So my girlfriendâs friend was leaving the state this weekend and he wanted to meetup with her. So I explained to her that I didnât want to do the open thing anymore seeing that itâs been months from the last time we actively reached out for sex from our friends. I did say Iâm willing to do threesomes seeing that we both wanted to do those. So I said if we have a person we want to have a threesome with it would be okay. She didnât have a problem with this.
During this conversation it came up that she kisses on him while they are smoking weed and they are hanging out together(this was two days ago). She explained it as it only happened when they were going to have sex like it was leading into it. She changed it to âwhen they were having sexâ when she saw I got upset they were kissing randomly outside of a sexual encounter. Then yesterday she said that it has happened outside of sex where he would hug and kiss on her. Then today when she mentioned that he took the new job forcing him to move she said she wanted to meet up with him seeing that this would be the last chance in a while before she could see him again. I said if no sex or anything is happening fine. Iâm trying to trust you. Then when we were talking about the misunderstanding of her saying that she couldnât come out when it was she couldnât have sex we started talking about the kissing again.
It turns out this was a regular thing for when they would hang out for him to hug on her and kiss her on the cheek. I told her that wasnât acceptable and that was disrespectful to me. They were both in the wrong where he knew she was in a relationship with me and shouldnât have been doing that outside of a sexual situation. I told her she was wrong because you allowed it and didnât stop him from doing it just reinforcing that bad behavior. You know youâre with me and that type of behavior outside of a sexual situation is basically boyfriend/husband behavior. I donât have my female friend hugging and kissing on me when we hang out because I respect my partner enough to not do that. So after I explained that to her I said this is one of the reasons I have trust issues because people lie or omit information from me. So I said you can say bye to your friend via text but I donât want you seeing him again because I donât trust him and I donât trust you when youâre together.
I know the post is long and Iâm sorry for that. I just want to know if I was wrong for my line of thinking and me saying that she canât go see him because of whatâs happened.
It is the as you said. Itâs the public part that upsets me because other people donât know about our relationship situation and they donât need to know about that. A fair amount of people in both of our circles frown on NM relationships. So we try to keep it quiet. So for them to be doing that in front of others when they both fully know we donât want that part of our relationship advertised I didnât appreciate.
As for your comment on them not kissing outside of sex. I never had an issue with the kissing during or when itâs leading into it.
There wasnât any hugging or kissing before her friend was brought into the understanding of our relationship. It would just be hellos and byes and then hanging out, no pda. Now that heâs aware of the relationship heâs been kissing and hugging on her outside of a sexual encounter environment.
The rules that we had in place werenât too aggressive and there werenât a bunch of them. We both agreed on them before we did anything. So there would be an understanding from the start.
So with you saying that my line of thinking is wrong(I canât think of a better word) where Iâm saying I canât trust her around him and I donât want her seeing him?
It was the act of kissing/making out/cuddling etc when they arenât having sex. Itâs when itâs happening outside of that situation. Like when they are outside moving as if they are a couple when they are not. When they are doing that in front of other people that know that sheâs in a relationship with me and not him. When those other people donât know we are in a NM relationship and we donât want to advertise our relationship status to everyone in our friend/family circles. I didnât have an issue with it during. Seeing that happens when having sex.
How would it be impractical to say I would not like you to have him all over you in a public setting. When that wasnât the dynamic of the relationship initially. She doesnât kiss her platonic friends. She doesnât even really hug them. That was never her. So for her to do that now is kinda out of character. Itâs not a matter of being jealous. Iâm not. Itâs the behavior that wasnât there before has magically appeared now. So me having to explain to not have pda with the next person was something that didnât need to be said. We both had an understanding from other unrelated instances where we agreed that a guy hugging and kissing another personâs wife/gf was wrong.
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We spoke before hand that if we were interested in someone sexually we would talk about it before hand and hash out everything. There wasnât any hookups with randoms. I didnât have a problem with the kissing and hugging when they were having sex. It was if they were just hanging out watching tv he would start kissing on her or if they were out in a group with others he would be hugging and kissing on her. My issue was with the PDA outside of the realm of sex. I feel like those actions are to be with your respected partner not the fwb.