Partner and I have a mildly hierarchical relationship. I’d say we skew more in the poly realm. What I’m trying to describe is that I’m his only serious partner but he sees other people. He says they are FWBish and I’m his only gf at the moment. So that’s why I say mild hierarchy. If he had another partner I’d consider us equals. He’s got one partner who is maybe more of a deep connection but he does not say she is his partner/gf.
Scheduling has been very sparse lately because of some big changes in his life. I’ve only seen him a few times since late May and for only a few hours. He hasn’t seen any of the other folks he dates during this time. I’m friendly with my metas and I know his one partner Eleanor is having a hard time with the lack of dates. I am too. I barely see him and it’s really difficult.
He’s been able to sort out those few hours here and there and I’m so grateful I’ve gotten to see him. I know it’s not easy for him to get that time. This week there is an event that he and I used to go to regularly on that day. Eleanor has never been but she told me she was planning to go.
I feel greedy, but I want that tiny little sliver of time just for him and I. I didn’t see him last week and I’m really missing him. But then I think Eleanor must miss him so much more and maybe I should meet him at the event and share that time with her or not go at all and let them have that time. But then my needs don’t get met and it will be at least another week before I’ll have a shot at a few hours with him again. It feels cruel to spend time alone with him under these circumstances, but bowing out doesn’t honor my needs and if she knew we were on a date I’m sure she’d be extremely hurt. What would you do in this situation?
Polyamory is very often, in fact usually, hierarchical.
Polyamory is an agreement between romantic partners that each is free to have other romantic and sexual partners. It can be quite hierarchical if one partnership includes marriage, cohabitation, kids, or international priorization over other relationships.
If he had another partner I’d consider us equals.
That's not really how it works. Its not entirely up to you. It will be his choice to decide if he wants to prioritize life partnership, marriage, etc. with another person. All kinds of things can create hierarchy. Including the length of a relationship. A new one month relationship will not have the same importance as a 20 year relationship. You don't decide if he views is relationships as equal or treats them as equal.
You have some odd ideas. You should read up more different styles of non-monogamy and polyamory.
But then I think Eleanor must miss him so much more and maybe I should meet him at the event and share that time with her
Do either of them want that?
It feels cruel to spend time alone with him under these circumstances, but bowing out doesn’t honor my needs and if she knew we were on a date I’m sure she’d be extremely hurt. What would you do in this situation?
This man is an adult. It is his responsibility to manage each of his relationships. That includes partnerships, friendships and family relationships. It is not your place to take over and manage his time and relationship with another partner. Thats dysfunctional. Your empathy is kind. But stay 100% out of it. Let him know your needs. Let him manage. You are his partner, not his mom.
Reassurance. That this is ok? Of course its ok. He is making choices about how to spend his time. We all do that. Its ok. I'd consider it a very real possibility that she will end things if he doesn't have more time for her or she is satisfied with him being a very occasional lover. There is nothing wrong with a casual partner that you see a few times per year. Its all fine. He isn't a commodity to shared out evenly. The good thing about ENM is that she is free to date and find other casual partners or her own primary.
You asked what to do. The answer is tell your partner what you need and let him handle it.
And I'm sure she is going to be ok. Their time together sounds pretty infrequent. Hopefully she is dating and spending time with friends and living her life.
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Thats a big commitment and absolutely hierarchical. Which is ok. My primary partnership includes an agreement that we will retire together. We will buy a home together and not cohabitat with others. We will not have kids with, marry or retire with other partners. We are the beneficiaries of each others life insurance. All very hierarchical. What do you two mean when you agree to be primary partners. Its important to be clear and to honest about the hierarchy it brings. Of course we still expect all of each others time.
Empathy is great. I have empathy for her too. That doesn't make it any less dysfunctional for you to try to manage this dilemma for another adult.
Why is that bad?
Of course. I never took issues with your feelings. But he needs to manage his own scheduling problems..
You can absolutely feel compassion and stay out of the scheduling management and balancing act his has to manage with more demands on his time than he can meet.