I mean, most cases of flirting isn't going up to a stranger and just going "hey, wanna fuck"? A lot of people wouldn't even be able to decide, but need some time to digest the suggestion. Get to know the person. It's not shady for a single person to state they're single, so why would it be shady for me to state that I'm in an open relationship and not push anything? If he isn't interested, he isn't interested.

I'm not trying to manipulate anyone, nor trying to convince him to anything at all. I just came out as ENM in a "by the way" manner, and kind of proud of that.

I feel like "nesting partner" signals poly, and we're not poly. Besides, I'm not even sure what "nesting partner" would be in our language!

"I’m not sure why you only see the polar opposites of “Hey wanna frak” and hinting."

Please give me a lesson on the other options. I might not be the most socially competent person. Especially, in this case, when we don't spend any time IRL one-on-one and things like using body language isn't really realistic. When I pick up people at clubs and bars, I would ask them to dance with me, give them compliments, read the vibe, stuff like that - before asking if I can kiss them. Can't do that here.

Do you think it's always manipulative to be interested in someone and not say it out loud immediately, but think about how to approach it?

I'm not opposed to apps or meetups, I've done that. But I feel like it often becomes very shallow. I want FWBs who I can actually be friends with, not awkward fuckbuddies that can't hold a conversation.

Friendship and matching hobbies make someone more attractive. I don't really see the problem of getting to know someone for a bit before flirting with them, and I've met plenty of people who are ENM in some way at random. Especially in geeky circles. Two of my female fwbs who are in open relationships I've met when out dancing at a geeky night club.

When I was monogamous, I mostly dated friends too. For instance, I knew my husband for two years through university studies before we started dating. That he showed he was able to cooperate in the lab or while writing assignments made him more attractive in my eyes.

Nah, you're right. I'll think about how to be more direct.

You might be right that my husband is doing things in an overcomplicated way. After all, he doesn't have as much experience I do. But since I love and trust him, I wanted to listen to his advice.

If Vincent asked "is this why you brought up your fwb in conversation?" I would say "I wanted you to know what kind of relationship structure I'm in, in case I'd flirt with you later. Such as now. I wanted to make it sound natural instead of this huge coming out moment." I wouldn't be embarrassed about that part, because I don't think there was anything wrong.

That was my original idea, my husband thought that it would come across as too pushy and would risk to offend Vincent, and make him leave our gaming group. Maybe he's wrong though?

I would personally prefer someone to be up front. Like, I had an autistic friend once ask me "what would you do if I flirted with you?" and I said "I would be flattered, but not flirt back", and my friend said "okay, thanks for telling me, then I won't flirt with you". And then we continued on as platonic friends, they never brought it up again. But I know that a lot of other people don't prefer this method. After all, neurotypicals tend to be more subtle than that and be a bit phased when someone is too up front.

I usually go for a very straight "hey, wanna fuck?" with a lot of other people. My husband was opposed to this tactic as he thought it would stir drama in the gaming group, and suggested I'd be bit more smooth this time. Saying that I'm in an open relationship isn't a hint that I like Vincent specifically - but it does open the door that if he would happen to be interested in me, he wouldn't assume that I'm monogamous at least.

It's not a whole message. But it's one step at a time, instead of chocking him with both "hey, I like you" AND "me and my husband have an open relationship" at once. Not everything needs to be done in one fell swoop. Now I can gauge his reaction and decide whether to do anything more or not. I find that information done in small pieces over time often work better than saying everything at once. Gives people a chance to digest. And saying that I'm in an open relationship first is better than the other way around, don't want to give the impression that I'm looking to cheat.

There is no magic phrasing that solves everything, but I disagree that my actions or tempo wouldn't matter. At least, when someone flirts with me, that matters. If a person came up to me in public and just asked me on a date without me knowing anything about them, I would decline, even if they were physically attractive. If a new acquaintance asked me out, my answer would depend on a lot of factors. And if I declined at that point, it would probably be hard for me to later grow attracted to that person. Our friendship might also suffer, because I would wonder if they only wanted me for sex or not. However, if I've gotten to know a person, and they flirt with me in a playful manner first, igniting the idea in my mind but without being pushy - and later asked me out properly, that would probably be the best way have sex with me. And even if I would decline, since they didn't rush it would have made it obvious that they're also fine with just being friends and aren't going to be pushy.

Attraction isn't just a black and white "either or". Attraction is a spectrum and can grow over time or be influenced by people's actions.

So, I guess I'm trying to treat him the way I would like to be treated?

“Hello, I find you attractive and we clearly have similar interests. Would you be interested in getting to know each other on a more personal level? My partner and I practice ethical non-monogamy in case you were concerned about cheating.”

Yeah, that's pretty much the same as "hey, want to fuck? We're non-monogamous btw", except just more eloquent. That's the type of text blurb I kind of meant, but shortened down to the relevant part so my posts wouldn't be so long. Because I would have to be clear that I'm not after a romantic relationship, so the things that are on the table are friendship and sex. So that the whole part of "getting to know each other on a personal level" wouldn't be misunderstood. I'm not poly, after all.

And about the rest: I guess we have a different view on manipulation. I mean, I don't agree that not all communication is manipulation (sounds very pessimistic imo), and I don't think it's subterfuge to be interested in someone but not actively pursue it, and be a bit more passive.

I'll think about it. It's mostly my husband who thought Vincent might be offended if I was too "crass", as you say. Since those two seem to have pretty similar personalities (geeky men with an interest in theatre, a bit shy at the start), I thought his advice would be valuable here.

I know that I don't have any issue with declining someone's sexual interest in me and then keep on having them around as platonic friends, if they're up for it. It's happened before. One of the other players is a former fwb, who've I've asked to keep things platonic with for now. But I know that a lot of other people aren't like that. They become uncomfortable if a friend is attracted to them, unless they feel the same, right?

I guess the truth is that there is always some social risk with trying to hook up with someone. I'm trying to slowly gauge the risk: is he opposed to ENM relationships overall? Is he okay with other people being non-monogamous, but prefers monogamy for himself? Is he gay or bi/straight? Is he even comfortable discussing relationships and sex with me at all? I'm trying to slowly find out more information, and give out some information about myself, but without dumping "crass suggestions" in his lap without context.

Well, if we run into each other at Pride I'll ask him whether he's into women, and take it from there. It feels like a good setting for discussing sexual orientation, while having such a discussing at the game table in front of a lot of other people could be awkward. And if it's a slow burn that doesn't turn into anything, that's fine too.