I didn’t used to be this person. I didn’t used to have hate in my heart or compare myself to others. I used to believe in love and trusted easily. Now I’m jaded and i don’t even believe in monogamy at all anymore.

No matter how much i want to i just can’t believe anyone would be with me and me alone, not happily at least.

I’ve tried addressing my feelings, creating more space for more time together, meditating, everything but therapy because i can’t afford it right now.

Everything is always my fault, I’m shamed for feeling and communicating my jealousy or any inconvenient emotion. Made to feel weaker and less spiritually evolved..

Deemed selfish and incapable of unconditional love. Even when i do things out of my comfort zone for the sake of the relationship. I’ve forgiven (or am trying to) so much and i was expected to not even asked to be forgiven.

I have BPD, so relationships are pretty hard for me. I know I’m not easy to love so i understand why polyamory is almost necessary.

It still hurts sometimes and i try to hide it, but when I’m not my usual laughing self it pisses everyone off.

I just feel defeated. More tired than I’ve ever felt before. Unheard like i did as a child. If I say this it’s “that was in the past how long until you get over it?”

I want to be monogamous but i don’t even think i would be a good partner at this point. I can’t leave right now and i don’t have anyone else. I’m losing my sanity and i hate who I am now.

I don’t know how this happened or how to make it stop